I’m gonna say it one time
this aint jus written for the rhyme
I’m not you’re lil’ doll,
I don’t stand so tall
when you two fight I pay the toll
my stomach ripped
my balanced temper, tipped
I have to listen to it day after day
you’re souls aren’t the ones who pay
it’s mine
I can’t turn around wishin' to rewind time
wishin' I never turned the corner
wishin' you could see how I’m torn or
how bad it hurts for me to see
that in my family it’s a bad thing to have...individuality
it just pushes you further from me
when I can’t stand the yelling anymore
I feel as though I’m about to drop, straight down to the floor
I become your problems, me and my friends all whores
being your problems I leave into the cold dark night
all I wish is that what I was doing actually some way seemed right
but in with all my wishes all my might
absolutely nothing about this is right...
I can’t stay here and listen to your fights
I spend countless hours staring into the nights
wondering...”Why?”
I sit here and cry
life’s worst lullaby
the song that leaves you lonely
but the way you hear it is only
through your perception
you’re only form of reception
I only say this one time
this aint just written for the rhyme
I’m not you’re doll,
I don’t stand so tall
when you two fight I pay the toll
my stomach ripped
my balanced temper, tipped
I have to listen to it day after day
you’re souls aren’t the ones who pay
it’s mine


this one might be a lil betta than the one i posted b4 this, but this 1 is an exact feeling that i go thru and i thought mayb if i wrote it at the time it hapened i wud stay on topic, tell me wat yah think of it!!!

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Well first of all....the first thing i noticed was the emotion that was put into this. I can relate to this. The vocab wasn't to bad pretty simple, The flow was good though. Only thing that i myself would work on, would be the structure, try to make lines same length so the flow would be even better, but it's all good, we' all got diff styles. And you did stay on topic this time so that's good. I hope everything work's out.

keep droppin
peace

..I don't come here often..and maybe I should..this was a refreshing piece..what I mean by refresing is..I'm so used to reading so much bullshit in open mic..it's refresing to read something different once in awhile..good emotion expressed through out the piece..nice work...

I liked this piece...It was very emotional with a nice flow to go along. I agee with the structure thing, But I like it anyway. Very well done. Hope everything turs out alright for you in the end.

peAce

thnx 4 the feed bak pplz!! its apreciated, i left the vocab short bcause i didn't feel like working on the poem to make it better (word wise) and i didn't mind the line figures too much because wen u listen to the B*S* that i do at the tyme, you don't necesarily worry too much about anything but i wonder if one day ill get to leave everything and just be happy, for just 1 day. so thnx 4 thu replys and i hope wat i just sed mad some sort of sense

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Hey Gyrl,
This is a really heartfelt piece, one that will make you sympathize with/for someone you've never even met.I had a vivid image of everything you were saying in each line..If you wanted to improve, there wouldn't be much concept wise, but structurally, balance out the lines so that they flow a little more easy and maybe use a little more vocab/literary techniques to plant emotions into the readers from a different yet effective angle..But I agree, sometimes when you write in the heat of the moment, it sort of cheapens the piece to go back and change it a little, takes away some of its authenticity..So this is great the way it is gyrl, stay up, things will get easier..
Pz

wow, talk about elevation. this is a big improvement from ure other poems. the feeling was very real, the message was so real, i felt it well. the vocab was alright, it was pretty simple but this made up with it by emotion. the structure was unique in that the bars werent perfectly even but it still flowed good outloud, i like that alot. the only weak points i could find were technical wise, but fuck technicality, and stay with originality. good stuff, very real and very well done. I love how much u elevated, keep doin ure thing!

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i too found this to be a level above what ive read from you before. this piece had so much real emotion that shown throu everything, and like said made me feel for someone ive never met. i can relate to your piece, with the parents fighting all the time, thats one reason why i dont live with them anymore. but belive me things will shape up if you let them, and you'll be happier for more then one day.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

check out gambling hearts or protecing a child'd dream

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thnx 4 tha replies evry1 and i jus wanna point out 1 thing here since i can understand the mixup, the two people that fight are my mom and my brotha.... sad i kno but i figured that if u read it again knowin who was fightin u kud actually find alot more emotion in it..... thnx agn!!!!

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