ey yo,

ey yo

i'm lovin my girl what can i say
but jessica girl got in my way
and playa like me got the game that will work
that girl will end up doin my homework
and i dont care if i fail or just pass
cuz teachers will still be kisssing my ass
and once i look back at the sh*t that i've done
my girl wont even take me to a prom
high school years passed by like a fly
and i'm still trying to score and get high
but none of that sh*t made me decide
which college to go to what job do i want to
all of the questions are killing my high
so i should just roll and say bye bye bye..

Alright, your structure was good, you could use a little work on your rhyme schem and vocab. Just keep working on it and you'll get better.

thanx, this is actually one of my first ones i ever wrote, i know that vocab kinda blows reason for it is that i dropped out of high school and never got good grades in english, i'll try to work on the vocab a lil though. any other comments would be great, i got other rhymes comin up so check 'em too and let me know whas up.. peace..

Man...straight booty!!! Dropping out is not even a valid reason for a rhyme that sucks!! Try this one again. Your structure is Philly-like. I dont know. I've spit with alot of cats from that area and just out of respect for them I cant give nothing on this but truth. If you out of school, stay out. Pick up a book. Get involved in something and let that become your voice. But for goodness sakes....stop with the wackness and stop telling people you're wack cause you dropped out. Wack is as wack does. Simple.

__________________
Rev 12:11 - Use your voice...

umm, ok

wasnt feeling this.... elementary.. it read like a poem, introduce saome complexity to ya verses.... and dont make them so boring....

I didnt really like this.....everything in this seemed simple....try adding some multies to make this much better....adding some better wordplay would help out to make it more interesting to read as well....but keep at it.

cool cool, thanx for all your advices and comments.. i'll be dropping other rhymes on here soon, so keep the comments comin.. give me some time/practice and i'll be better at it..

like the majority of the cridicts advised..very simplistic vocabulary..definatly need to elevate that kid.

and also try to create a peice that isn't such a played topic..be original son.

keep practicing, it makes for perfection(at least for many)

peace

Listen,
You can call me a fuck up and all
but I didn’t ask u to go and tell the whole entire world
but thanks u are great
can I call u a master of all
or should I just give u a ball
and even teach u some basketball
or are u just a Barbie doll
who cant even play with a fucking ball
hey, can I please call u “Daisy”
so u can go sit there and act crazy
but calling me a whack just got u a lil more respect
from your own crew who already knew the things that u do
nah, I’m just playing, it is how it is
i aint good, I try at least
but putting me down like that dont mean shit
yea niggaz like u know how to spit
but face it
I aint Biggie,
he rests in peace and I’m still livin
ok time out, I’ll let u talk shit
not enough words?
hey, at least they have meaning
but its on u
and u do what u gotta do
so I’ll holla at u later foo’

^^^what do u all think of that?? none big, just a lil sum sum..

WOW..this was...pure....Garbage....start replying to other people...

oh thanx g, that shit was nice..

absolute garbage, i agree with penskills, peep this


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=110579