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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
01-28-04, 01:58 PM
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#1
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AKA Cereal Shelf
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Psycho's Sanctum
IP: 6E65 1B29
Yes, it's long. Don't be scared, read it, you'll like it. I spent a lot of time on this so some feedback would be excellent.
 [Background Info] I once knew a young man, who seemingly refused to let go At the age of seventeen, he was a hazard ready to explode Bitches constantly turned him down, he wouldn't forget though He'd sweat hoes. . so bad that he even got himself into debt Cuz he would spend his whole paycheck on bitches for sex School wasn't goin well, he was failin in all subjects He'd study all night, but the shit still seemed perplexed His mother wasn't impressed, so one night when she came home She yelled for her son Jerome, in a strict and stern tone Then continued to yell till he got mad and hung up the phone n slammed the door, then stared at the bitch straight in the eyes Aware of his size, imprinted doom then envisioned her demise Of that bitch he despised, pushed away the thoughts he revised Wanted to hear his mother's cries but was afraid of the cops n his pops, but he swore to his mother later on that night That he'd kill her if she hadn't immediately left sight Out of the cold rose fright, when he showed her the knife And other supplies that could potentially end her life And when she'd cry, the heartless bastard felt power from evil Been to jail twice and wasn't scared of doin somethin illegal So with his plans plotted, n trapped in the depths of his mind He gave it some more thought, n' believed that it was time To stop kiddin' around, n' show these punks his mind's evil defined So then he got a pen n' paper. . and put ink to the lines .......................................... .............................................. [The Plan] For bein' a cold-hearted young man, he gave himself props The bloody n' tattered image never ever seems to stop Now open your ears as we take a listen in on his thoughts ........................................ .............................................. Where's my pen n' paper? I need it before I begin to forget The name's of those that earned their place on my list Of the bitches that seemingly had a knack for talkin shit And of all that shit they talked, they'll soon be lyin in it Picture'd em' cryin', scanned the list to make sure it was legit Forehead wrinkled as I sit thinkin' of what kind of crime to commit Big or little? In the background I hear the music of sorrow's fiddle The feeble minded opponents. . I've deemed them weak n' brittle All obstacles need to shriveled, so outta' nowhere I spark an idea To head to an underground shop, the name of it was "Maria's" It contained drugs, guns, n' ammo, imported all the way from Korea Ran by oversea'ers who had already fucked up their careers These men had no fears, n' were willin' to deal money for tears N' the one thing that scares me, besides the fact they sell They already killed enough men to get a front row seat in hell Not even afraid to dwell in jail, and my life was at stake Why trade my life for a spot in the melting pot to bake? But I decided to partake, in the attempt to kill those Whose mistake was to clown on my big nose n' raggedy clothes ............................................ .......................................... I thought of Colombine, n' all the people killed at the scene I mean how many people could I kill at the age of sixteen? My mind stayed serene, n' it was the right plan I believed Fuck startin' a career, I don't even need a college degree So with my mindset stable, here's what I decided to do Sneak out of the house, at around a quarter to two N' then outta the blue, I got up n' ran out the house Noticing my mother terrified holdin' a gun on the couch Luckily for me, to not impliment action was what she vouched So then I closed the door shut, n' saw noone around ............................................ ............................................. [Camera, Ready, Action] It was a cold foggy night, in the middle of November He wore a yankees cap that his mom bought that September N' rememberin' how his mother n' father used to come home late Workin' overtime just so he could have shoes coverin' his feet The worst his mom ever did was nag him to keep his room neat Or just to keep clean, and stay away from the streets Make sure he brushed his teeth, n' got home before three AM Conquer life's mayhem, n' after you pray make sure you say amen Just the responsibilities of motherhood, same things every mother did He thought to himself. . "Why can't I be happy like every other kid?" It hurt him inside, he felt lonely enough to just give up n' die He broke down n' cried, shouted his mother's name out in pride Around five miles from home, he ran back fast as can be He spreed home happily till finally he'd reached his own street ........................................ ............................................ [Home Sweet Home] He suddenly stopped out of breath, was overwhelmed w/ joy Stood astonished at the house he'd live in since he was a boy He wanted to run in, he remembered how he was a brat though But he couldn't react, to the person who came out of their shadow ............................................. ................................................. 5'3, 109 pounds holdin' a black n' silver beretta Aimed between his eyes, n' then clinched the metal Pierced his skull, his future n' life was now gone Fuck college, he hadn't even gone to his first prom The one casting the shadow, was nor a cop, enemy, or a brother The one who pulled the trigger, was his very own mother
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<center>Deja Vu ..Remember These Dope Kids?.. .................................................. . Last edited by Aisle Phive : 01-29-04 at 03:49 PM. |
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01-28-04, 02:30 PM
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#2
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Guest
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IP: 4577 CD9A
thats some sad stuff man...
it made me cry(i'm lying)...lol honestly i thought it was slik cuz it was differen't. post more originality and for sure i'll read it. "i gotta promote my battle though, knowledge -vs- dizzy hommel..vote on it kid." peace |
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01-28-04, 03:10 PM
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#3
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AKA Cereal Shelf
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IP: 6E65 1B29
Upping.
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<center>Deja Vu ..Remember These Dope Kids?.. .................................................. . |
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01-28-04, 03:26 PM
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#4
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: 399E F0FD
~~Whew~~~long as shit...but well worth the read...your imagery was great..you have tremendous gift of storytelling(although I only read one piece from you)this was fantastic...I like how you broke it down for people...love the background...on the otherhand it might be a bit too long for some...anyway..this was simply a Dope piece..peace..
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01-28-04, 07:33 PM
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#5
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AKA Cereal Shelf
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IP: 6E65 1B29
Thanks.
It's worth the read people, upping. Somebody nominate this for open mic of the month. 
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<center>Deja Vu ..Remember These Dope Kids?.. .................................................. . |
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01-28-04, 10:04 PM
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#6
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See ya.
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IP: 87B0 7F3F
Cool, worth reading, congratulations. But, why did the mother have a gone in the first place? &, more importantly, why did she kill her son? I read it quickly, so don't think I'm a moron. Good job, otherwise, though.
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Word for Word
Kevin - Patrick - Alex - John - Ian . . the artists formerly known as Word Perfect . . Still > you. R h y m e | V a n t a g e |
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01-29-04, 03:08 PM
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#7
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AKA Cereal Shelf
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IP: 6E65 1B29
Quote:
I went a bit over the top, was just trying to make it interesting. I should of listed her as a drug addict or something. But he did threaten his mother with a knife, maybe she was just a psycho bitch, who knows.
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<center>Deja Vu ..Remember These Dope Kids?.. .................................................. . |
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01-30-04, 04:29 AM
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#8
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Da KiNg Of PwNaGe
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IP: D154 1BD3
Nice stuff. Really felt that. Excellant imagry and use of vocab. Could actually see it happening in my head as I was reading it. Nice stuff. Your use of describing words is great. Only one mistake..at the beginning you say he's 17 and then later when you reading what he's thinking, he says he is 16. Even so this is one of the best pieces I have ever read. Keep ot up man.
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01-30-04, 01:32 PM
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#9
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AKA Cereal Shelf
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IP: 6E65 1B29
Word man, I made a few mistakes about following my own story. Thanks for the feed bro, much appreciated.
Upping.
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<center>Deja Vu ..Remember These Dope Kids?.. .................................................. . |
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01-30-04, 01:38 PM
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#10
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I'm an alias...
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IP: A092 9E01
Quote:
Yes indeedy... & I did actually read (unlike some battles I vote on... lmao)
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<center>Merk Squad Let it be known Verbal Kent Genesis</center> |
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01-31-04, 12:54 PM
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#11
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AKA Cereal Shelf
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IP: 6E65 1B29
Upping.
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<center>Deja Vu ..Remember These Dope Kids?.. .................................................. . |
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01-31-04, 02:54 PM
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#12
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Flyweight
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IP: 6301 79A8
NICE. Yor vocab was very nice but that wasnt even the half of it. Nice wordplay nice multis etc. The imagery was awesome you really got into this kids mind and got an idea bout his life fucked up and whatnot..I thought this was gonna be a really played piece you know hardass kills his mom blah, then you switched it up made this very original...keep droppin 8/10
__________________
 <table style=filter:GLOW(color=white)>~The Lyrical Evaluator~</table>
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01-31-04, 09:59 PM
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#13
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AKA Cereal Shelf
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IP: 6E65 1B29
Thanks.
Not to be bitchy, but this is better than almost all of the open mics posted here, how come this hasn't been nominated in the Top Ten OM's of the month?
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<center>Deja Vu ..Remember These Dope Kids?.. .................................................. . |
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02-03-04, 07:40 PM
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#14
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Guest
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IP: 7733 7AF9
great peace. i love how you told the story and broke it down the way you did. really cool idea for an open mic, i like shit where it takes you through exactly what someone was thinking, in this case...writing. good shit man. by the end i kind predicted what was gonna happen, but still had a good affect none the less. moral of the story? dont take what you have for granted, before its too late...
thast what i got out of it at least. nice drop. |
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02-06-04, 03:56 PM
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#15
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"The Eleete"
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IP: FAD9 BD2A
This was definatly worth the read........the imagery was great an everything else.......your flow was easy goin.......an the content was good too......very long very good.......I give you props even though you hate on me for voting Pen to be in legends but its cool........i give respect where its deserved........Respect.......Peace
PS. If you have the time read my latest OPEN MIC I Bought Her Flowers Today http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=111616 Last edited by ELEETE : 02-06-04 at 03:59 PM. |
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