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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
02-28-05, 12:24 PM
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#1
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Banned: Cheating
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"What's In Ur Heart?"
IP: A3EA 639E
i always wondered "What's In Ur Heart" really 2 many people i know u probably don't feel me sumtimes i feel like showing love 2 evabody i con the otha hand people hate cuz there heart is fulled wit envy dat'z y i don't sho love 2 nebody i don't know their demeanor will reveal if they real or just a ho just take ur time & c 4 yourself that people diss ......pretend 2 b friends wit ya while ur there.... when u leave unda they breath callin' u a "Bitch" the truth is plain 2 c once u open ur eyes & notice it people only care 4 they own & evawhere u look it'z evident well it'z the end of examing these snake's hearts in a poem just a short intro 2 open ur mind all the scorn Last edited by A_M_H : 02-28-05 at 04:57 PM. |
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02-28-05, 12:52 PM
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#2
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<<-Carpe Noctum->>
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IP: 0825 899A
good job, i never read anything from you before i dont think, but you have the idea, the concept, and everything else...the only peeve i have with this piece is your spelling....the way you project your words is so important i cant stress it enough...please dont write like this:::: da hoodz was cold and lonely, i hads to git my nine..or some shit...i'm not trying to hate at all but.....spelling is important to the reader, to better get a feel for the poem..keep dropping.1
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"QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT--AUT VINCERE AUT MORI" O Y D   *FluidMusic* *Poetic Scriptures Moderator* |
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03-07-05, 10:34 AM
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#3
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Banned: Cheating
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IP: A3EA 639E
good lookin' out i appreciate the feedback still i'm uppin this 4 more
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03-07-05, 01:31 PM
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#4
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Odi et Amo
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IP: 7865 B198
Concept is strong, had a good emotional vibe over it but like Fluidmoon said, fix your spelling because it's nicer and easier to read. The vocab was nice, kept it quite simple which added to the sense of pureness. Felt like it was written from own life experience and it's easy to relate to, tried to have some different levels which made the reader think about some things. Haven't got too many bad comments, just expand it a little maybe and edit the spelling, it'll be a big difference...
DQ
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Authentik Intelligence  ...The future is mine... |
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