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Old 09-09-05, 10:34 PM   #1
Untraceable
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Its my life
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I spend my life making a scene, simply..cuz thats me
In a nut shell, and i hope ya ass gets stuck ina toilet seat
Boy that'd be neat..jus to see your ass..stuck in that seat
Itd be funnier than what you could believe...this is just me
I enjoy the things in life I find funny and that come free
My life seems so comfy now that I know what I need
Im floating on this cloud and I jumped down to be free
And ya can beg and plead but ya not comin back to me
I was trapped ys see cuz ya began takin my life from me
And thats not right..to me, thats it,despite what ya think
You had me on the verge of breakin down, on the brink
Your love was a drug, and I was taken in by that potion
But its effects left me bloated..jus waiting to burst open
So now Ive exploded and taken back the heart ya stolen
And I see life clearer now cuz my eyes have reopened
Let me be with my life and keep on falling cuz you see
My life seems perfect when I have you on your knees

Idk boredom = bliss
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Old 09-09-05, 11:04 PM   #2
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hmm...different peice here.I thought the lines were allright by itself.But they didn't seem to relate together to form the topic or nothing.But the biggest problem was the rhyming.You were rhyming the same words over and over.And a lot of lines didn't rhyme.So just work on rhyming and making ur lines tie together to form a topic.

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Old 09-10-05, 02:25 AM   #3
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..Rv Sucks..
 
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dude i could care less i was just bored and writing random shit......haha......i love fuckin with ppl..........i cant do txt homie i swear
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Old 09-10-05, 02:31 AM   #4
Lay-z
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Your Rhyming words are mad simple..i dont care if you are playing around or messing around or not, they are just mad simple, i can freestyle better than that..but anywho, vocab is mad simple......
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Old 09-10-05, 02:44 AM   #5
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i know that i do it on purpose........haha...sorry im a stoner and think its funny to fuck with ppl by using madd simple shit so they think i suck....but if i need to i can write some dope shit
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Old 09-10-05, 02:51 AM   #6
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i didnt say u sucked..lol..i just dais your rhyming word is mad simple..and when i'm high i rhyme fucking dope..maybe it is opposite for you?..
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Old 09-10-05, 03:14 AM   #7
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no its just i get high and then bored not even in the mood to write but i do it neways sometimes and then post it with all this simple shit and laugh at ppls reactions...idk its my life
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Old 09-10-05, 03:20 AM   #8
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oh and if you thin about it i never went of topic........i started out saying how my life is about having fun and getting a thrill all the time and thats my freedom.....and then someone tries to sheild me from my life of freedom and then in the end it just shows i got wanted my freedom and for me to be incontrol of my life not her
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Old 09-10-05, 03:23 AM   #9
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lol..you need to get better weed....
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Old 09-10-05, 04:24 PM   #10
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damn ma its been awhile since i've read some of your shit, it seems you have gotten weak if thats how you normally write you better try harder because we battlin man. anyway for feed ima say you had a nice stucutre and flow, i think you could use multiples that would up creativty and flow a lot more, imagery was pretty decent could be better but overall i think this is a pretty nice piece, short but to the point.

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Old 09-10-05, 07:19 PM   #11
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voc. was simple as hell, but that's not nessicarily a bad thing..... some people have pieces loaded with metas that get off topic. wasn't that great of a piece flow or rhyming wise, but if u just came up with this out your ass, it's understandable...... keep writin........
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Old 09-10-05, 11:29 PM   #12
Kawn Flixx
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Drop 2 links or this will be closed
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Old 09-11-05, 05:15 PM   #13
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..Rv Sucks..
 
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Close it i dare you
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Old 09-11-05, 07:16 PM   #14
Kawn Flixx
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Okay
.
.
.
.
.
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