He pears into a window seeing what he cannot posses,
Plasma screen pictures seem to be no contest,
Weary he gets and more lonely he feels,
Sharp and red fluid slices and spills,
The water box is completely filled,
Negative Blue on the walls stay still,
He turns to his left the curtan is closed,
Swipes it open to get something exposed,
And its him in the bath tub alone,
The house is trashed this is not his home,
He doesnt belong here his mind panics,
Like hes been doin way to much xanex,
Things start to spin,
He falls to his knees again, *BOOM*
No bodys home his wounds have recoverd,
Wakes up - cold sweat a new life he discoverd,
Shakes it off puts on a shirt walkes to the cold fountans,
Gets fresh for no reason goes out side and announces,
That you have to have a DREAM to be able to move mountans.
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thank you for reading.......(Link coming)

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I Beat Up Asshole Fathers For Free

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Indeph Lyricalsolja you illy on the sickness tip.

__________________
I Beat Up Asshole Fathers For Free

My Space

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indeph Lyricalsolja you illy on the sickness tip.

ill take this as i left yall specchless........*shrugs* UPPIN

__________________
I Beat Up Asshole Fathers For Free

My Space

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indeph Lyricalsolja you illy on the sickness tip.

Hmmmm, somewhat of a cryptic write. I got that the kid was in the hospital, and he felt that is life was becoming somewhat hopeless and the only way to make something of his life is to dream it so? Lol maybe, i'm not entirely sure. But I didnt really like this... And not because you really LACKED something, but more so because you werent consistant with the poems better moments.

One thing I really didnt like here was house this really walked that fine line of Topical/Poetry, and often crossed over into what would be considered a topical piece. The way I define poetry is, the art of emotions tangibility... Topicals on the other hand are about telling a sequencial story while poetry can HAVE story, but ultimately should be about describing the feelings about what's going on. And in my opinion this piece was alittle to much story. Which sucks because when you did really get into your imagery and poetic elements the product was beautiful, I just wish you had done that the entire piece.

So ya, was really all over this. But you did have some decent poetic elements, solid structure, little rhyme scene which is just alittle bonus. But ya maybe next time just work on focusing on description and feelings more so then a storyline. Because you could have done this same storyline with lots of description... It would have just become a much longer poem.

damn thanks for dat feed man...
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and actually this poem depicts a guy that lost his girlfriend at a party gets waisted and passes out and has this dream about killing himself with something sharp.......and he wakes up and realizes that he has his whole life to live and he shouldent dwell on it...and the dream made him realize it......

__________________
I Beat Up Asshole Fathers For Free

My Space

Quote:

Originally Posted by Indeph Lyricalsolja you illy on the sickness tip.

Wow, lol I guess I completely missed the interpretation. But, do you think you could return the favor on my poem, 'The Answerless Questioning'. Thank alot man, i'd really apreciate it.