Woah! Ive never read a piece from you before, but i saw this and figured id read. . Firstly, the concept: very nicely done, seemed to have some real thought behind it wheich is more than 75% of the pieces the newbies drop here. Personally - i think you could of tried harder with your multi's, the nothingless/ onion breath, it sounds good, but forced - if you get what im saying, dont rhyme the words just because they rhyme, take time to think them out and put them together creatively. You had the basic concepts down, such as internals and external rhyming, plenty of wordplay in there to hold the attention of the reader, althought i didnt like the ( stuff like this after the bars ) because it looks stupid, you cant have text adlibs man! ...lol... finally, adjust the bar length, im not saying to any particular format, but right now your bars seem stretched out and are hard to the readers eyes, this piece looks long as fuck and that probably the reason its so slept on.

Sorry if ive been harsh, its just constructive critisism, i dont mean it ina bad way, im doing iit for you so you know where to improve.
Elevation is the key, take what ive said and work on it, hopefully you'll take my advice and put it into effect with your next drop, then take it a step further.

Peace!

damn this is long LOL im feeling kinda of buzzed right now so i couldnt read the whole thing cause my mind is wondering around LOL but what i read was nice,

from my cookie jar,inhale more tar,just to stop the shaking,but i know in the back of my mind,the nicotenes creating the cravings//

^i liked that line.

thanks for replign to mine, when i sober up ill read the rest LOL

ILLness..
Wordplay was off the hook like eskimo jackets..

once again im impressed...
hit me up for a collab bro..

thanks for the replies...thanks especially to vortex. . no doub til be changing parts,tis jsu tthe rough copy...lmao...text adlibs,this just rough for my audio im working on lmao...but eh..i see your point,it does look dumb now ahhaha...yeah i always have trouble with the bar lenght,tis a bitch...im workin on a way to fix it...but nayway,thanks heaps for your reply...and to everyone else...appreiciate it.

bismillah

yeh dis was da bomb liked it i like it i like it i like it. think australian drink australian fosters u do, its like coo, like wid neighbours and u and all dat shit peep my piece tis proper Bo i tell thee

very nice drop

normally I HATE long drops

but this was good all the way through....

keep writing... definately have enjoyed your drops

ill drop, the best was the wordplay for sho' but if u set the bars up differently maybe i would have gotten the flo better
return the favor?
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=51173

thanks all,wil be checking it out soon,just stuff happening righ tnow i need ot sort out...will see it though.

soz m8 4 da fucked up reply i was high on sugar or suamt ill give u serious feedback 2nite
peace

^lmao.

i wish i wrote it---
loved it

check mine will ya

Just another Madman.......

I'm new & every time i read a post like this one
i see i have more growin ta do..

Thanx

thanks sen,ill get to lokin a t it soon

uppin for the awake populations...

god i hate most yall.....damn you.

i should jsut keep upping zion...

maybe i will...no....ill up this agian...

coz yall complained zions got upped by peopel other then me,yet the complainers did not read my peices...psh


^^i have no dea what im talking...just babbling....