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Old 06-24-03, 02:15 PM   #1
oddly ill
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untitled: but it's for the ladies mostly

IP: AACE C7B5

my heart beatin and beatin like the soul of an african drum//
blood rushin through every canal of my manhood provokin the expecing cum//
the scent of loves perfume is easily noticed with it's presence//
my tounge begins to dance as it's ready to taste her essence//
our bodies meet with heat, with sweat pumping from every pore//
and as i proceed to speak in tounges she's screamin "more baby more"//
with her orgasim approaching she shivers with every touch//
she pulls me up looks in my eyes and whispers "baby you're just too much"//
i begin kissing her neck holding her tight and clenching her butt//
secretly smiling as she moans and groans wih thrust after thrust//
she rolls me onto my back straddles me as if to ride me into the sunset//
up and down back and forward i'm surprised i haven't cummed yet//
from the bed to the floor, to the wall to the door//
from to point of ecstacy to where our bodies become sore//
with compashionate aggression my baby knows that she is mine//
cause we raced through her favoite postions but slowed down at 69//

in my opinion i thought this was pretty ok but i need crit aight holla back
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Old 06-24-03, 02:21 PM   #2
oddly ill
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c'mon people don't sleep on this man this was original shit
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Old 06-24-03, 02:36 PM   #3
Verbatim
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haha great stuff
keep er up
peace
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Old 06-24-03, 02:36 PM   #4
oddly ill
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what the fuck people why are ya'll sleepin so damn hard on this
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Old 06-24-03, 02:53 PM   #5
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i thought this was too hot kid somethin that you use at the crib shit was nice
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Old 06-24-03, 03:13 PM   #6
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this seemed real down to earth, you really captured the experience of 2 lovers and their passion for each other. keep up the good work


(sorry i cant help u out any on this one, this just isnt my styel of poems, peace)
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Old 06-24-03, 03:20 PM   #7
shiznit
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alright...this piece is very interesting...

Imagery was most likely to stood out on this one...the flow is aight..not that great but it was smooth...vocabs are good...some words are a bit off but i think i got the reason whyd u use them...

just one thing...if ur gonna write this kinds of poems...dont u think it would be better if u put more like metaphors or like deep words that would express more of what u want the readers to understand ya kno...

well thats just my constructive critism...hehe

i liked it tho....hope to see more!
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Last edited by shiznit : 06-24-03 at 03:25 PM.
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Old 06-25-03, 09:11 PM   #8
oddly ill
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ok ya'll can reply to this c'mon
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