I Came From A Place


I came from a place, where not just the grass is dead//
you get starved from missing lunch once and we rarely ever got fed//

I came from a place, where people don't give hugs//
and due to lack of respect, most little kids do drugs//

I came from a place, where every single one of the schools are small//
I don't consider it education cause the teachers don't teach at all//

I came from a place, where we could barely sleep at night//
With threats by the second, its where we learned how to fight//

I came from a place, where the rich men and women ignore//
cause they thought we were stupid, and cause they knew we were poor//

I came from a place, where the weak wouldn't survive//
and my family's love for God is all that kept us alive//

I came from a place, where no one seemed to be able to comprehend care//
This is what it feels like to have a home that represents the fact that life is unfair//



this is my first time that I did this.....so feel free to
post your honest opinions about this....please do
i would really appreciate your comments
thanks
peACE

The basis of the piece was solid...

You wrote it with a certain amount of heart, but an overall cold over-sight...which is good.

At times a bit too simple for the way you were writing. I would say the rhyme scene was a bit rigid and simple too, but that smoothened out by the build up to the end of each line. Which also was maybe a bit too elaborate and over done.

The ending was done well enough. Though once again, the line maybe over done a bit..but once we got to the end, the message stood strong...

..resp...

^thanks for the feedback.........I read
it over and I see what you mean dog......
........uppin for comments.......
peace

Nice Shit Ace...Good 2 See Ya In Here...Not Bad For A First Post...You Got Your Point Across Well...

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[size=0.5]My Wins Always Bring Fire[/size]</center>

thanks for the feedback Mystik, yeah i just felt like
trying this one day.......its pretty cool............
uppin for comments peeps
peace

the came from a place line ade me not wanna keep reading but i did..you coulda placed more into it to add more imagery to what you were describing to us...

rhyme scheme and words were simple and yo didnt need quotations at the end..alright first drop though ace

thanks for the comment dog, i see what you mean
..............uppin for nothin
peace