This Is A Topical I Did But Lookin For Feedback On How I Can Improve...
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...:::Age 13:::...
This Is When It All Began, When It All Went Wrong..
This Is When I Realized My Parents Couldnt Get Along..
Dad Came Home Drunk As Usual, I Locked Myself Away..
My Bedroom Down The Hall, It Was The Safest Place To Stay..
The Shouting And The Screaming, My Only Wishes Of A Bad Dream..
Sitting In The Corner Afraid Of My Own Father, I Lost Self-Asteem..
Next I Heard A Sickening Thud, Then The Sound Of Someone Drop..
Looking Through The Keyhole, My Dad Had Hit My Mother But He Didnt Stop..
I Couldnt Look But I Had To As I Helplessly Saw My Mum Gat Beaten..
I Hated That Man, To Me He Was No-one...My Love For Him Was Eaten..
The Tears I Shed, The Blood She Lost I'll Never Forget..
The Door Slamed, He Left, She Was Helpless, Full Of Regret..
Didnt see Him For Three Years...Were They The Best?..

...:::Age 16:::...
Living In The Same House, Been Out With Friends, Then Hear A Scream..
I Remembered That Same Scream Before...I Remembered What I'd Seen..
Approached The Front Door Scared, I Looked Through The Keyhole, It Was Him..
Rage Entered Me, Quickly Opened The Door, Ran For The Bastard, I Wanted To Kill Him..
Then Another Sickening Thud, This Time I Dropped To The Floor, I Was Knocked Out..
Whiskey Bottle To The Head, They Thought I Was Dead, Is This What A Family Is All About..

...:::The Light:::...
What They Say Is True About You Life Flashing Before Your Eyes..
A Long Dark Corridor, All I Could See Was The Door Of Light..
Approaching It, Had A Key In My Hand, Put It In The Hole, It Didnt Open The Door..
It Didnt Fit, I Guess My Life Hadnt Ended, I Remembered Lying On The Floor..
I Looked Through The Keyhole And Saw My Whole Future...I Wasnt Bad..
You Wanna Know What I Saw...It Was Me Not Turning Out Like My Dad..

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That was I'll..That sounds like my childhood (tear*)....But that was tight work..Props!!!

nice work

I Couldnt Look But I Had To As I Helplessly Saw My Mum Gat Beaten..
I Hated That Man, To Me He Was No-one...My Love For Him Was Eaten..

The Door Slamed, He Left, She Was Helpless, Full Of Regret..
Didnt see Him For Three Years...Were They The Best?..

Then Another Sickening Thud, This Time I Dropped To The Floor, I Was Knocked Out..
Whiskey Bottle To The Head, They Thought I Was Dead, Is This What A Family Is All About..

Approaching It, Had A Key In My Hand, Put It In The Hole, It Didnt Open The Door..
It Didnt Fit, I Guess My Life Hadnt Ended, I Remembered Lying On The Floor..


I Looked Through The Keyhole And Saw My Whole Future...I Wasnt Bad..
You Wanna Know What I Saw...It Was Me Not Turning Out Like My Dad..

^^^^^personally found them the dopest lines...all i can imagine makin this better maybe be to expand it..nice stuff man

1

Tight shit, Delivered your message and on point. I guess you could improve with a bigger vocab and maybe more adjectives, and It was a little small but it was tight. Good Job.

Aight Ya'll Thanx For The Feedback...And Thanx Stem For Breakin It Down Like That...
Still Lookin For More...Much Appreciated...

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nice layout hommie, i was really feeling that!!
ways to improve- try to vary your rymhe layout a bit more, other than just rymhing the last words of each sentence. (e.g check out my work on "open mic" "some of my battle text")

sweet work ay
9/10

That was sick....
is that from rapspits? cuz it hink i saw it there.....

Vocab was sick....no doubt......flow was off da chain......wordplay nice....topic..well you didnt choose but was sick...you gave a visual peice here boy. sick is all i can really say.....

ima have to give you a 10/10

Aight Thanx Alot For The Feedback...Much Appreciated...

No It Aint From Rapspits...I Dropped It Here In The SS...

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http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthr...&threadid=70583

hit up mine...please.....thanks

This was fuckin ILL

TOTALLY LOVIN THIS right here

and yo Mystik soryy i aint return ya pm

hit me up sumtime and we'll talk

Aight...Thanx...Uppin Again...

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Thise Pieace Is HOT! F'real

Then Another Sickening Thud, This Time I Dropped To The Floor, I Was Knocked Out..
Whiskey Bottle To The Head, They Thought I Was Dead, Is This What A Family Is All About..

^ tight lines theres mo' but i aint gonna type 'em ur flow was dope shit thise verse is tight man keep spittin

Yeh Thanx Man...I Appreciate The Comments...But I Doubt Its Perfect...So Can Any1 Give Constructive Critisism Please...

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[size=0.5]My Wins Always Bring Fire[/size]</center>