Made to "You, Him, Me, And Her" beat

Niggaz is sick... Still tryina run tha game
And none of y'all motherfuckaz gonna take my fame//
Stupid bitches and shit wanna claim me as one
Afta I cum in their mouth when they bust my gun//
But when Im done... Bitch... Im done for good
If u want me again, I'll be in tha hood//
Waitin for tha right one to come across my path
Fuck her everywhere including the bed & bath//
Fuckin crazy ass niggaz wanna claim a chick
Until he finds out a chick sucked my fuckin dick
Sick as hell... smokin a Philly
A silly stunt... Bitch, quit bein a cunt//
Im gettin mo chedda.... mo betta...
Fuck whachu heard... Tha Sunset-a//

Im Wanted Huh... DOA Y'all...
I am who?... J-Day Nigga...

Crazy Bitch... Ur a lazy bitch...
Turned out to be a fuckin Purple haze-y bitch//
Nah... Im not goin into tha name callin
So Ima leave you and go fame ballin//
Stupid bitch... Dont fuck around...
I'll kill ur ass witout makin a sound...//

wha....

Im Wanted Huh... DOA Y'all...
I am who?... J-Day Nigga...

My verse of a lil thing me and my boyz were doin. We were just cuttin up doin anything on tha beat. Leave comments. Later.

Um...

This was not very good, this is not hate but the truth-

-Even lines up
-Expand your vocab, so it's not all basic rhymes
-Write lines with meaning

^^^just work on these things and then move onto more complex techniques/style

thanx for feedback uppin...

CMON SLEEPERS! Uppin...

i agree wit pot1ent..but yo you have potental you can see its there...check out your posts before you post em...it may let you realize your bars...but it was iight good for a newbie...an up your vobab a lil...i liked this part though it stoood out to me...

Niggaz is sick... Still tryina run tha game
And none of y'all motherfuckaz gonna take my fame//

its super simple prolly cud'a reworded that an made it better wit'a meta or summin...but for a newbie its iight juz elavate like us all peace check out my shit.."different teritorial Flow" peace

__________________
Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

are you famous? if not, then how can you write about being famous? you gotta write what you know, or make up a giant lie like hitler. the vocab was too simple, and the whole "thugged out" element seemed strained. not hate , just honest feed back. keep elevatin.

thanx for ur feedbacks. uppin...

i didnt feal this that much for the main reasons

not a good meaning..fell off alot...i dunno if u think ur gangsta ...lol no hate though jus hear do this

even lines up it will flow better
dint use // thats for newbs
and more vocab
better meanings...and
if u do that
it should get better for u in open mic

aight dude, i think u need to elevate ur vocab a little more, and like carcuz i think u need to have to have better meaning, and if u do them u could be pretty good here.

thanx for feed uppin

this was the best bit:

Niggaz is sick... Still tryina run tha game
And none of y'all motherfuckaz gonna take my fame//
Stupid bitches and shit wanna claim me as one
Afta I cum in their mouth when they bust my gun//

and it did nt really say anythin i not heard, or seen before,

its not that its bad, its just not elevated, basically, you just need more spits under your belt, and your whole game will improve,

the structure was aight, flowed ok, but the wordplay and content was newbie/gangsta stuff, i don't real feel it but, you hav got potential if you keep droppin.

PEEP MY SPIT "LET LOOSE", PEACE