Do you have emotions running through your mind as well
or do i have another thing comen a feeling from hell
i whispered in your ear, i'd love to have you here
all of tha sudden, you magically seemed to disapear
off into the black wit another guy right on ya tail
Mikes heart is in'a storm pouring down heavy hail
Ocused of bein hit by cupid..seemed i was thinkin stupid
reflects to me im'a mirrow image of no love bein recruted
an army of lust i thought we had a chance for "us"
im not askin to rush, just a moment of trust..(blush)
am i a self ridaculed for believing i could have a lady
thinin you could actually be mine an i could call u baby
devil was in my head playen tricks on me wasnt he
soon as i think i lost you..you seem to be comin to me
is it just me or do you crave for me an dont believe
one look at you is unorthidox..i stop i cant breath
am i just another playboy..your late night desires
or the guy that brings you home for a late night fire
crashen emotions of my frantic behavier..yo white knight
i apoligize for my actions but i gotta have a kiss good night
atleast just one..to show you was feelin something
or am i just assuming an actually rediculously fronten

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Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

I'm feeling this on a couple levels actually. One level being the presentation of the content. The other level being that this almost seems like the kind of peice I'd write during class when I'm supposed to be working on my math.

Anyway, it kind of seemed incomplete. Like you could have kept writing on. Otherwise, it's tight.

~Shalom~

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Quote:

Originally posted by Bruklor Nec is just dumb

I'm taking that as a compliment.

iight

the first line caught me right away, because i use to ask myself questions like that, wondering if i was an odd ball from everyone because i didnt fit in with the ppl i use to hang with, but then i relised it wasnt just me

i loved the concept of as soon as you let your true feelings out to some1, like telling them you love them, that they seem to dissapear, turn their backs on you pretend

i did shine lots of emotion but it seemed to fade away around the end, and i felt that it needed more to it.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

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alright 19 views 2 replies...BRUTAL...theres how many fuckin emcee an femcees on this site..an i got 2 mu'fuckin replies..damn..uppen for some feed back..hit myn an tell me wutcha hav wrote an i'll peep it if i havent already..peace an thanks

__________________
Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

Do you have emotions running through your mind as well
^ that line draws the reader in because the answer is YES
everyone experinces emotions similar to these
and for you to use tha tline makes it a poem that you have to finish reading
no not scan through
but actually go in depth into the structure of it

you followed through on your emotion theme and it ended well
i would suggest using more description
so that the key points JUMP out at teh reader and are jsut not looked over as another peice of the poem
you want people to say * hey thats so true * or hey i agree with that
and youll be more likely to get that response with the usage of more descriptive words
hazy

hazy b thanks amlot...i'll try to do that...i'll keep a look out for you stuff as well..thanks... uppen

__________________
Open Mics
The Weathers Art
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673
My Teenage Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850
Secluded
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851
Open Your Eyes
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461

thanks can you peep theses tears i cry please?

good stuff!

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