aight yall this is my sixth open mic third song, and this time i made my structure a little simpler, but whatever, here we go, check it out.... yo, yo


Verse 1-
"he had gone to far, he stepped over the line/
why couldnt we make peace thats what i was tryin/
i had never wanted to go where caps were flyin/
but he fucked up when he blackmailed this homeboy/
i couldnt let him toss me around like some worthless toy/
cause fuckin wit me aint smart, i aint no Pillsberry dough boy/
i wanted to just kill him silently, swoop in like a hawk/
but thats gay as fuck, so i went back and grabbed my glock/
it was time for some action, i was way past tryin to talk/
i was so fuckin pissed at him, i was burnin like fire and propane/
this was the first time i seriously wondered if i was goin insane/
but all i really wanted was for him to have a taste of my pain"/
it was all bullshit and lies but that was his fuckin claim/

Hook-
i never wouldve thought that one mistake/
would end up havin me exposed as fake/
i didnt wanna piss him off, for Pete's sake/
but for revenge, my life is what he decided to take/

Verse 2-
"i walked in that peice of worthless shit he called a home/
i just wanted to find him, fuck goin around lookin to roam/
i saw him at his couch watchin tv, so i sent caps toward his dome/
the cops ran up and relentlessly tackled me to the ground/
as i looked at that fucker i knew he wouldnt make another sound/
but to everyones surprise he head moved as he looked around/
i heard the police say he died, and the motive was lackin, there was no cause/
only then did i look up from the floor and see the blood splattered on the walls/
i tryed to explain that i only meant for one to go to the head/
i didnt mean the rest, i just wanted to make sure he was dead"/
it was all shit but thats what the fuckin court files said/

Hook-
i never wouldve thought that one mistake/
would end up havin me exposed as fake/
i didnt wanna piss him off, for Pete's sake/
but for revenge, my life is what he decided to take/

Verse 3-
After spendin months in that fuckin peice of shit cell/
it was finally his chance to bail from that horrible jail/
but even if he did, he had a guaranteed invitation to hell/
he started cryin as he gave his bullshit story to the judge/
even wit all those tears flyin u could tell no one would budge/
no matter what he said nothin he could say would do much/
he was sentenced to life in prison, wit no chance of probation/
thats what happens when u try and be a criminal sensation/
if i was there i wouldve shook his hand and said congratulations/
but yet he continued to get on his knees and beg for mercy/
but he had left me so i couldnt even tell my side of the story/
cause the shot up guy on the couch happened to be me/

Hook-
i never wouldve thought that one mistake/
would end up havin me exposed as fake/
i didnt wanna piss him off, for Pete's sake/
but for revenge my life is what he decided to take/

peace.....

Okay..It's like: I read your verses and stuff but the first 3 lines/bars or whatever (ie..line,tryin,flyin)rhymed but what happened to the last bar before you flipped the scheme? That kinda threw me off but "Oh Well"...Maybe u wanted to do it like that. Your lines are kinda "wordy"...

^^^since at the end of the verse i said that was his claim, im sayin he really never wanted to start sendin bullets, i found it crystal clear, but hey, i guess i depends on the reader, thanx for postin, im still uppin....

peace.....

cmon yall quit sleepin on this, i just wanna elevate, but ill never get better if i dont know how to improve....
UPPIN, UPPIN, UPPIN.....

peace.....

This was a pretty good peice i thought, it was a good read as well, your flow was good, and you had good vocab, your wordplay was good as well, and you had good structure, overall id say this was a pretty good peice, keep dropping.

NICE!

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"Fuck Y'all Hataz."

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^^^thanx yall for postin, keep em comin, im still lookin for some instructive criticism, UPPIN!

peace.....

nice story tellin piece, flow was good, vocab decent, structure good....hook was decent, overall a pretty good piece...keep droppin....

also if you get time, could you read over my latest open mic and give me some feedback and whatnot....
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...&threadid=81640

^^^thanx holmes, im still uppin though, keep em comin

it was aight.....the structure was probably the best thing, could be tighter tho...it was good here:

"he had gone to far, he stepped over the line/
why couldnt we make peace thats what i was tryin/
i had never wanted to go where caps were flyin/

then throughout, some bars/lines were too big, and did nt carry the continuation of the first apparent structure

it flowed good in places, then aight in others e.g:

After spendin months in that fuckin peice of shit cell/
it was finally his chance to bail from that horrible jail/

flow could have been better, like using 2 syallable word to replace horrible....the actual structure could also help it

the rhyme structure was not very consistent....you had lines like this:

but he fucked up when he blackmailed this homeboy/
i couldnt let him toss me around like some worthless toy/
cause fuckin wit me aint smart, i aint no Pillsberry dough boy

then lines like this:

i heard the police say he died, and the motive was lackin, there was no cause/
only then did i look up from the floor and see the blood splattered on the walls/
i tryed to explain that i only meant for one to go to the head/

especially when the vocab and content is not advanced, or the flow/structure is not completley solid, you should try maintaining a consistent one throughout....then its easier to show yourself it does nt flow aswell,

although the flow was good enough....you got room for improvement on that....workin on the structures would defo help this.

hook was good:

i never wouldve thought that one mistake/
would end up havin me exposed as fake/
i didnt wanna piss him off, for Pete's sake/
but for revenge, my life is what he decided to take/

but your wordplay is kinda basic, use a more varied rhyming section, more like this:

he was sentenced to life in prison, wit no chance of probation/
thats what happens when u try and be a criminal sensation/
if i was there i wouldve shook his hand and said congratulations/
but yet he continued to get on his knees and beg for mercy/
but he had left me so i couldnt even tell my side of the story/

instead of the high numbers of simple rhyme words like:

i tryed to explain that i only meant for one to go to the head/
i didnt mean the rest, i just wanted to make sure he was dead"/

AND:

"i walked in that peice of worthless shit he called a home/
i just wanted to find him, fuck goin around lookin to roam/
i saw him at his couch watchin tv, so i sent caps toward his dome/
the cops ran up and relentlessly tackled me to the ground/
as i looked at that fucker i knew he wouldnt make another sound/
but to everyones surprise he head moved as he looked around/

I KNOW YOU WAS TELLIN A STORY....but i think more complexity would have made it seem much better, with more metaphors and similies in the verses,

there were nt too many multis, especially for a man who questions my verse on multis, i was suprised to see hardly any within the lines,

ALSO...you say FUCK etc too many times....that shows a weak vocab range...try and replace it with other words...


OVERALL it was AIGHT...almost solid....lots of work to improve on tho....good droppin....the more you do the more you will improve

UPPIN THIS BITCH, LETS GEMME SOME FEEDBACK!!!

peace.....

^^^and begin never once when i replied to ur post did i say that i filled my shit wit multis, i just said u coud use some more, but yo thanx for ur feedback, im still uppin though....

peace.....

its iiiiight, simple flow, nothing really fancy to the song but, a good drop tho


room for improvement

its coo', good rhymes, good flow, keep postin