im callin u to say i love you
but thas shit i juss cant do
....
never again will we sin by bein together
never again will we mistreat eachother
....
so why tha fuck cant i hang up
i juss sit an hear ya shit tryin to keep my mouf shut
bout anutha nigga that got wut i want
u claim we're friends but u call only so u can taunt
fillin my ears wit gas inflatin my head
talkin like we soon gonna be together before i go to bed
so im sleepin an dreamin bout wut we shoulda been
but i wake up to realize ur all that to him
....
so im callin u now ta let u kno im dun dreamin
im wide awake passionately plottin an schemin
i got my own words ta make u feel like i did,
cheese fa a rat, an candy for a kid,
poetry for a sap with emotions easily tamed
but revenge is the only joy for a heart already slain
....
im callin u again

iight

this was an alright piece, nice thoughts, made it unique, but try to work on your structure some more, i liked how it started got me hooked, and the ending was good too, sorry such a short reply but ive got to get some sleep i'll check it again when i can take it all in

~Tera~
DONT HATE

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this peice has so much potential to be a prize winner
i suggest you look back over it and add a lil take a lil revise it

because its got so much power to it and i could telll it could really be somehting if you worked with it a little

however as it is

it was a fairly good peice it had a great theme and the emotion was there but a lil dry

yeah this was a pretty good piece i thought, it was worth the read, i was feeling the meaning of this a lot, i could relate to this piece, structure could use some work, but overall it was a good piece, keep up the good work.

"so why tha fuck cant i hang up
i juss sit an hear ya shit tryin to keep my mouf shut
bout anutha nigga that got wut i want
u claim we're friends but u call only so u can taunt
fillin my ears wit gas inflatin my head
talkin like we soon gonna be together before i go to bed"


When you write lines so uneven it makes you piece
not come together as good as it could. Before you submit
look over it and think of which small words you can take
out to make it better.

"so im callin u now ta let u kno im dun dreamin
im wide awake passionately plottin an schemin
i got my own words ta make u feel like i did,"

your piece started out sounding defeated and just wondering
why you couldn't stop loving him or thinking and dreaming
about him. Here it doesn't have that, once you start with
one feeling you should continue with that same. When you
change sometimes you lose readers on the way to the end.


"cheese fa a rat, an candy for a kid"

And I don't understand how this line fits to the rest, any
interpretation you can give me?


"poetry for a sap with emotions easily tamed
but revenge is the only joy for a heart already slain"

I really enjoyed this line it was a good way to end it you don't
even have to have so many lines for a poem to be great and
to really get to the reader. Keep writing.

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<BR><h3><color=black><center><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=left LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 width=300>*~*~*Lady Wun*~*~*</MARQUEE></color></center></h3>
<BR>
<BR><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=up LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 height=100> <center><font color=000000><I>*~*~*~*~*</p>I'm invisible to the unseen eye</p>I'm undeniable strength</p>*~*~*~*~*~*</p>Merk Squad</MARQUEE></center><I>

I dont agree that emotions should stay the same throughout a piece. At times, the very poem is about changing and growing, facing what it is you are writing about, and finding the strength to stand tall against it.

I felt this piece was a journey, yes, it started out defeated, because you were.. then you almost convinced yourself that you had the will power to over come that defeat, by 'putting up with it no more' ... but in the end, your love won you over again, and I have to tell you, that ending...

im callin u again

said so much about how you feel.
I dont usually warm to this type of grammatical use, as an english major... it tends to wane my interest rather fast in most cases, but in this piece you kept the flow up, and you remained on the same theme grammatically speaking, that- combined with the content, I was unable to stop reading.

Lots of emotion.. Nice piece, and be strong.. dont run up that phone bill if shes just messing with ya

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