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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
11-06-03, 07:58 PM
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#1
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Guest
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my thoughts when u aren't around
IP: 4D51 6C4E
from the moment u walked in my life,
without sheddin a tear, i knew u were my wife, so many gurlz in the past has struck my heart witha knife, but u came in easy and healed my heart wit your undying love thats right everything about u is so beautiful, sometimes i loose my sight, if i could share one last kiss with anyone in the world, it would be none other than YOU, i love you alwayz n forever |
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11-06-03, 08:07 PM
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#2
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Guest
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THUG LOVE
IP: 4D51 6C4E
after a day hiding from spraying bullets
i reach bac to ma crib to see ma lady n pull it no questions asked, she takes all ma problems away when i'm running from the boi them she takes me in to stay funny how she loves me after bringing trouble her way going on missions with ma gurl right beside me robbing all the snitches that discriminated n rejected me have smiles on are face when we lace another street punk we stare deeply in eachother's eyez n our hearts both sunk easily thug love becoming clearer when i was behind bars i felt she was nearer forever and alwayz i'll alwayz i'll imbrace her our love so ghetto no passon is greater its like we both sprayed up eachothers hearts wit dangerious gats ratatatatatat our hearts sprayed up with thug love feeling cold, feeling bold, feeling special if u thought that thugz never feel ur wrong thugz do feel our hearts are real enter the sacred domain i'll eat u for ma meal |
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11-07-03, 06:01 PM
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#3
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Flyweight
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IP: C1DA C961
the first was real simple but heart felt... you could use a little work
on putting more metaphors to make it more inviting.... vocab was lacking but it has raw emotion..... as for it being long not all stuff has to be " semi-long" to get your message across....Keep Writing
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<BR><h3><color=black><center><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=left LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 width=300>*~*~*Lady Wun*~*~*</MARQUEE></color></center></h3> <BR> <BR><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=up LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 height=100> <center><font color=000000><I>*~*~*~*~*</p>I'm invisible to the unseen eye</p>I'm undeniable strength</p>*~*~*~*~*~*</p>Merk Squad</MARQUEE></center><I> |
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11-07-03, 07:05 PM
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#4
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Flyweight
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IP: E2E6 2BC2
Quick Tip
dont post two drops under one thread, especially when the belongs in a different forum the first one was simple, the emotion was pure in the begining it had an alright flow, but tghe last line or two threw it off b/c you stopped rhyming completely.. that messed it up for me b/c the rhyme felt weak since the start poetry isnt necessarily about rhyming, its about portraying thoughts and emotion, making the reader feel it.. i think you should try more complex rhyme schemes or just deeper words if you want a bar for bar rhyme, you know the second one should go in a rap forum...but.. it was missing something, the rhyme here was weak as well, you had a nice message but i dont think the words you chose portrayed them to the full extent elevate your vocabulary...play with the words, get familiar with word usage the emotion was clear keep elevatin
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~.:Soft Focus:.~ {--Deacon (\_/~\_/) Content --} {-Calisto (\_/~\_/) .:Lady Sage:.-} {--Filed (\_/~\_/) Domain 9--} {-Thrust (\_/~\_/) Know1 (\_/~\_/) Emotion-} { --Rule (\_/~\_/) Mental God--} Poetry Don't Look Into My Eyes Forgotten Understanding Once Again "It requires wisdom to understand wisdom: the music is nothing if the audience is deaf." |
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