http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...0479#post960479

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...0422#post960422

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...9074#post939074

What If?

What if we trusted our politicians?
What if they were honest?
Would this verse even need to be written...
If they weren't such corrupt primadonnas?
What if the media wasn't tainted...
And hopelessly biased?
What if the government gave us...
More information than they try to deny us?
What if they didn't try to categorize us...
Into social classes?
What if we were united...
Instead of divided masses?
Are they just afraid...
We won't reelect their misguided asses?
What if Adam and Eve...
Never ate from the Tree of Knowledge?
Would we still pay these high fees...
To send our seeds off to college?
What if there was no so-called social norm?
Would kids still feel the pressure...
To go cop clothes to conform?
What if our future's predestined?
What if we can't change or replace it?
What if no matter our learned lessons...
We're still just pawns wandering aimless...
Lost in the Matrix?
What if you were a nameless emcee?
What if you a famous, but dead one?
What if you'd been in Neo's position?
Would you have taken the blue pill...
Instead of the red one?
What if all warring factions...
Stopped sparring and made amends?
What if your morals and character...
Didn't depend on current trends?
What if I was more leery...
Of who I called my friends?
What if I saw things clearly...
Through life's camera lens?
What if I asked "What If" forever?
What if this flow knows no end?

Yo, lemme get some decent feedback from yall. Lemme know what yall think.

PP

it was basic n simple but tha flow was there... not a bad piece if u atempted to take ur time to organize it better...

one thing i would change: don't force tha vocab, vocab is good, yes, but not everything...also try some multis, they are pretty much tha hottest way to make a flow better...
add some complexity as well, esp. for text...

overall: real nice, deep piece...keep up and elevate...

__________________
<marquee>?</marquee>

Not a bad rhyme but could be make better with multi's....

it was nice... you took Fredro Starr's idea and made it your own and did a good job of it. You touch a lot of good things i especially like the first bit about politicions

7/10

I appreciate the feedback, people. Can I get some more?

^^

I asked myself yesterday, I said "Self, is your drop getting slept on because you're a newb?" And myself said back to me, "I think so self." Damn my newb status. Anyways, uppin this in hopes that you fine residents of Rapbattles will be wiling to overlook my lowly status and give me some feedback on this piece. Can't elevate without constructive criticism, so help a newb out.

~1~

yea homie I was sorta feeling this word great lines needa be longer and more multis.keep it up .

Simple yes, but it definitely conveyed the message appropriately. Wasn't a bad piece by any means. Flow fell off at times, but not to where it was unreadable. It did have a weird read to it though...

I didn't really like how you entered the Matrix into it. It wouldn't have been too bad, but you focused on that too much. I see where you were going with it, but I think it just detracted from the piece. It was still a nice drop though. Keep it up.

There's already a Haiku on this site... get the fuck outta here



plus... ya shit is wack

^Don't hate on the kid. he's one of the few people on this site that give good critiques and I'd hate to see him go just because some asshole decided to pop off at the mouth. I don't give a fuck who you are....that's uncalled for. If you didn't like it...tell him why...then get the fuck out...any other comments are unnecessary.

Dick.

Yo this was a nice piece...Your content was nice....Rhyme scheme was aight , nice wordplay , nice structure..Concept was hot and this was a pretty nice piece

yo i liked some of the verse's but it might be just me but felt there were just to many questions asked
it was a diffrent approch which is good


7.5/10


yo check mine and leave feedback ~1~

this piece definatly got me reading, i like this piece a lot g, the only thing i would say is to make yo lines longer, and put more rhymes in, not that you havent already but you know wat i mean, 7/10, dis was good.