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Old 12-08-03, 06:51 PM   #1
rule
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The Past The Present The Future
IP: 1B3B C284

Replied to: Camarac, Word~Perfect, and LM

The Past Thoughts
My past as beuatiful as the night sky when uncloudy
Revolved around T.M my goddes love was heavonly
Her smile filled with power such a remarkable tone
The sparkle of her eye or her voice on the phone
Girl's my life the reason I was happily & pleasured
Love I'd die for no restrictions to sacrifice measured
Had nick names giggled at the dummest games
Desired relationship of pyros cuz love was flames
Burning hate into the atmosphere destroying evil
Cupid struck us with an arrow..we are lucky people
The amount of time i'd give you isn't a question..
The price of contribute to god for my blessing
We have it all, we look out and love eachother..
Thunder and rain are emotions of nasty weather
But we'll get crusified on'a cross side my side
Before a storm stops the view for us to ride
Me and you bond into a life long marrage..
Love like this..is like finding a million carrats..

The Present Thoughts
God why did you give me an angel to give my heart
When my destiny was for him to make us depart
I'm strugglin now my so called best friend is haties
Stealin my precious friend an now i'm going crazy
I'm talking good thoughts about us wit some friends
They're flippin the stories like the devil an my sins
I lay in bed and wish for my bride tobe to return
Create fire with me don't let me jump in an burn
Want to make us right make the puzzle fit sooner
Instead of arguing over some rediculous rumour
I told you I loved you about two weeks into us
I meant it sweetie your the only person I fully trust
Sweetie I love you this is me speaking from within
Trying to paralize the end establish us to begin

The Future Thoughts
Remember graduation how we acted so romantic
Love letters an my soccer games got you in'a panic
Ya wanted me to win and new when I was frustrated
Hung out all the time on our free will never obligated
As the story goes I said you was a bitch supposibly
But I didn't say anything...that would be cowardly
I respect the harsh statements put onto my locker
Didn't respond back in anger I tryed to talk to her
Tell her apoligies but all I get was a heart of hate
I did some wrong but loven you wasn't a mistake
If I could be your friend now I would be grateful
I'll just stay in the corner or under the table
For you have no time for me now i'm a dick
I wish we was still together an our futures clicked
If I could tell you how I trully feel Belive me I would
Hopefully this you hear so I can fully be understood
To tell you your still my life and I want you sweetie
Hold you tight love you proper an you complete me
Lets assemble the million broken little glass pecies
Your my life my complete physical and emotioal thesis


this was a sketchy peice, but it is just something that happened a long time ago that i finally tryed t write about...responces would be apreciated
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Old 12-08-03, 09:13 PM   #2
Menik
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This was pretty good i thought...your structure was good in this, i liked that....it was a easy read....flow in this was pretty good i thought, stayed on point...i thought this kinda lacked multies, could have used some more of those in this i thought, but it was a big thing...but this was a good read, overall a good piece i thought...keep at it.
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Old 12-08-03, 09:21 PM   #3
Gene Pool
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I agree this was a nice piece, really good flow throughout the whole thing good structre and stayed on point, some good wordplay used in this and your rhyme scheme worked really well. keep at it bro, peace.

if u got the time peep my open mic "slower days" I know it's long but if u could read through it and leave some honest feedback it would be muchly appreciated. thanx in advance. peace.
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<center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=red)>Atmosphere - inspirations of following in the footsteps of story tellin rhymes</table></center>

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Old 12-08-03, 09:34 PM   #4
rule
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yah no problem I will...but yo what is a multi...like could somebody give me an example so i can try and use them..i'm still kinda off on what it is

thanks for the feed though thats apreciated
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Old 12-09-03, 07:13 AM   #5
rule
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uppen
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Old 12-09-03, 08:16 AM   #6
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Yeah man I liked it alright to yo ........ I dont really think theres much fo you to work on...........keep it up fo real
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Old 12-09-03, 03:50 PM   #7
rule
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up
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Old 12-09-03, 06:27 PM   #8
LA_4LYFE
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I really liked how u took me on sort of like a time trip
wit da Past,Present,&Future verses i thought they were sick
it wuz original and creative
keep it goin pimp
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Old 12-10-03, 07:33 AM   #9
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good concept here,flowed well throughout,some good wordplay used,multi's aren't a neccesity in a verse jus depends on tha peice and ur style dawg.Peice had me thinkin,solid structure,ryhmed throughout,descent vocab,Good drop.

Peace
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Old 12-10-03, 03:56 PM   #10
rule
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thanks man, thats apreciated uppen
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Old 12-10-03, 09:23 PM   #11
rule
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uppen...dont sleep
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Old 12-10-03, 10:30 PM   #12
Spike Sanders
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yo i liked this piece rule, you had a good flow and vocb on it, 8.5/10.
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Old 12-10-03, 11:31 PM   #13
SPEC-tacular
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dropped a good piece vocab and flow was good punches and multis was ok wordplay ight structure good over all 7.3/10
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Old 12-11-03, 07:17 AM   #14
rule
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its a love song...there is no punches...but thanks
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Old 12-11-03, 09:58 AM   #15
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rule baby
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yeah homie, ima feelin dis mayne, dont worry about tha feedback coz u got talent bro, it was a love thang so it dodn't need much but you put in enough, so thats good, if u didnt unastand wat i sed dont worry, ima high wright now, 9/10
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