Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio |
02-13-06, 09:08 AM | #27 | ||
is back...
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if you don't mind a critique... this was pretty hot... flow wasn't bad for text... this could be a sick verse with a few key elements added... 1. develope the story... not the topic... if you understand what I'm saying... listen to Jay Z - Meet the parents... the topic was... mom, dad split... dad never met his son... son followed dad's footsteps and blah blah blah blah... the story was built around that... naw mean..? www.soundclick.com/imethemixtape listen to rick jordan... it's the 2nd part to a song called Mark Anthony... but without hearing Mark Anthony you can still get the story... 2. delivery, structure & flow... not bad... you can go through and cut some words out so it flows alot better... and move some things around to change it up... add a lil freeway in there naw mean... ie: fend to lose breath, if I don't swim out of this. My mind blurry... looking into a screene with full of "rice", hard as I can, swimming shit... my arms are weak ...it's to deep, startin to sink... Im losin the fight, 3. Maybe add some empty space... (this would be done more so in audio) such as... (I'll try to explain... the periods that I will use right now are spaces...) ie: bold letters in a paper, put me to sleep I leave u with this tape to see................plus a loud bang, now everything changed, lips sealed again, can't reverse one mistake...................... and my life is over... I hope this helped... if not... no worries. |
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