i disagree w/ a lot of the ppl that already posted, this didn't flow well for text, but not enough visuals for a poem... when doing text, try to make then number of syllables semi-consistant in rhyming bars, that way it flows... idk how it sounds in your head, which probably means it would be better on audio... just based on the piece i'd suggest not neccesarily to up your vocab, because simple wording goes a long way, but more to watch your word usage (like using words in the right context) and not putting in "filler" words to try to make t seem more complex or "deep" than it is... decent piece if you're just starting, i loo foward to reading more of you work playa, keep writing...

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"I don't want to be deep... I want to feel deep and use that feeling to express depth itself..."
-Konchance

my poetry:
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