Woah! Ive never read a piece from you before, but i saw this and figured id read. . Firstly, the concept: very nicely done, seemed to have some real thought behind it wheich is more than 75% of the pieces the newbies drop here. Personally - i think you could of tried harder with your multi's, the nothingless/ onion breath, it sounds good, but forced - if you get what im saying, dont rhyme the words just because they rhyme, take time to think them out and put them together creatively. You had the basic concepts down, such as internals and external rhyming, plenty of wordplay in there to hold the attention of the reader, althought i didnt like the ( stuff like this after the bars ) because it looks stupid, you cant have text adlibs man! ...lol... finally, adjust the bar length, im not saying to any particular format, but right now your bars seem stretched out and are hard to the readers eyes, this piece looks long as fuck and that probably the reason its so slept on.

Sorry if ive been harsh, its just constructive critisism, i dont mean it ina bad way, im doing iit for you so you know where to improve.
Elevation is the key, take what ive said and work on it, hopefully you'll take my advice and put it into effect with your next drop, then take it a step further.

Peace!