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06-09-05, 09:38 PM | #1 | |||
Banned: Cheating
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A Wilted Rose
IP: 591C A203
I know it's long, but when you start to read it you wont even notice and you wont stop untill it's finished, you have to read it all to understand the concept of the poem anyways
. . See if you can catch the twist at the end . . . . A Wilted Rose (the story of life) The Garden of Eden, a horizon composed of marmalade and crimson skies Floating atop where a wilted crimson rose lies The sun florescent enough to burn one's eyes A subtle fragrance of paradise permeates the holy spot Carried alongside a humble whisper, reiterating, “she loves me, she loves me not” Plucked petals loll harmony with the lush green grass Adjacent to the path that leads to where lies and feeble minds once clashed But alas, resisting temptation is an all too difficult task And those who know all power, know power to see beyond the masked But an innocent wilted red rose can hardly grasp the reality of the past A witness to the devil's lies, and not to its own surprise A witness to Adam bearing taste to the forbidden fruit The sweet taste of knowledge… the foretaste of eternal youth Yet the bitter taste of betrayal was the consequential truth Feasibly the wrong rib loosened from thy breast Nevertheless, such knowledge to men was never meant Thus the ultimate punishment was far worse then death… In the garden, in the center of the white roses, the final judgment was heard Cowardliness of men lead to dishonesty, and so disloyalty once again occurred Fissures erupted from the earth, breaking the bind of serenity and peace Forsaking the once, perfectly, harmonious tranquility The ancestors of men damned our once respectable race And now we know dishonesty as an all too familiar face Gambling, murder, robbery, we shunned the will of the Lord And if it wasn’t already realized, we are the fallen angels, hell's horde Captive in this life of strife, and yet poverty doesn’t bother me The rich just sell out each other to increase profit of their own royalties It was said by God, there is no such of those who are evil They are merely like straw blown by the wind Guided by sin, but this is how life is, this was our punishment Cars, jobs, money, the devil's poison that presses thoughts away from the truth Some may be led to believe in life, you work, retire, then die, but others refuse Most men don’t bother to even ponder the real meaning of life And so we stay ignorant and deprived, living a constant lie Yet sometimes the truths can be a lie, and lies can be the truth Lies are my eyes, my trusted guide through life Because the reality is, the truth is what really keeps you blind Things are never what they seem, and what something seems to be, is nothing at all I seek the truth in the lies and the lies in the truth And I will be one of the few to conclude life in paradise when the world falls The wilted red rose, has heard all the pleas and cries The rose that once stood beside a group of flourished white brothers Blended in with the rest, too difficult to tell one from the other And these white roses signified man's once clean slate Until the spill of Adam and the Christ’s blood changed our fate Stained the middle white rose, and so one was painted red And not two men, but all men have bled upon it Bleached by the sin filled blood of the dead Everyday it wilts with age, corresponding to time with earth, heaven, and hell And when it finally wilts to death, the world will be dead as well But things are never what they seem, and what something seems to be, is nothing at all A wilted red rose, the only that stands out amongst the white And so I stand out, as the most beautiful of all FEATURED,overlooked this one..NICE JOB~fluid Last edited by fluidmoon : 07-11-05 at 01:50 PM. |
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06-11-05, 12:44 AM | #2 | |||
Banned: Cheating
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IP: 591C A203
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06-12-05, 03:35 PM | #3 | ||||
R.I.P
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IP: 591C A203
.......... Omg Its Soooooo Gooooood!!!
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06-14-05, 12:30 AM | #4 | ||||||
R.I.P
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IP: 591C A203
Quote:
Quote:
Since no one is giving feed, I brought some here...
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06-14-05, 12:52 AM | #5 | |||||
Blow Me
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IP: 963B DD50
lmao this is actually a very good piece.. i felt it hit very hard the whole way thru.. oddly enough the first two lines were my least favorite.. i feel when opening a poem.. the first cuplet should be the hardest hitting.. and it really didnt catch my attention especially how u said crimson twice in one cuplet.. but i read the whole way thru.. and it picked up.. and its probably the best piece up right now.. good job..
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My Lines Are ILL yo |
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06-14-05, 12:58 AM | #6 | |||||
R.I.P
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IP: 591C A203
Quote:
Repeating the word crimson was done perposely, it's repitition, a poetic technique, and this wasn't the kind of poem to start off with as hard hitting, it's gets you warmed up or wt/v, it starts off and then gets into it, the way this was done and the concept, I woulda fucked it all up if my made my starting sentance hard hitting, but thanks for the feed back, i'll RTF soon
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06-14-05, 06:19 AM | #7 | |||
Banned: Biting
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IP: C1B3 89A4
ok i cant go for that regular break down i normally do but. i will explain little parts i liked n disliked. well first of all, the opener had to be very hard hitting. and thats what you did. showed much emotion. had a nice way of putting you words in front of one another. damn this was on point the whole way through. you showed i think a bit to much emotion but it is nothing wrong with that. you have really proven yourself to be a very advanced poet. vey well done. i BOW to you for posting such a great poem.
Last edited by ~*Khatharsis*~ : 06-14-05 at 05:56 PM. |
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06-15-05, 03:08 AM | #8 | ||||
R.I.P
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IP: 591C A203
oh fuck, man i'll real bussy foo's, but feedback is very much apreciated and I will RTF very soon
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06-15-05, 06:37 PM | #9 | |||||
<<-Carpe Noctum->>
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IP: 0825 899A
wow...great imagery, beautifully written, and a very well thought out idea bought to the surface as this great work... your emotion shined in this piece as well, i am very impressed. keep dropping.1
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"QUOD ME NUTRIT, ME DESTRUIT--AUT VINCERE AUT MORI" O Y D *FluidMusic* *Poetic Scriptures Moderator* |
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06-15-05, 07:50 PM | #10 | |||
Banned: Cheating
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IP: 591C A203
^^ So feature it
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06-17-05, 12:01 AM | #11 | |||
Banned: Cheating
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IP: 591C A203
upping this mad dope as shizzy shit yo!!!
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06-22-05, 07:58 AM | #12 | ||||
Get me?
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IP: A973 01C4
This seemed choppy in places..
& I've seen this topic elsewhere.. But overall despite the length of this poem.. I felt it was a decent read, not amazing not bad.. But decent.. You had emotion & vocabulary but your words didn't make me picture anything.. Just work on your imagery, & try and get people thinking.. Keep dropping.. |
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06-27-05, 12:18 AM | #13 | ||||
R.I.P
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IP: 591C A203
thank you very much, upping yo
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