Can ya take a second stop and listen
Dont continue what you were doin till i give you permission
I got ya attention in submission im on a suicidal mission
got them hoes wishin that my dick was up in them
im up on the grind every day of my life
years and years of sellin crack how the hell did i survive
One day ill break out nigga ima get mine
perversions on my mind i needa pussy to find
disturbing features in my life has been presented to ur presence
heres ur present nah im just messin ill keep u guessin possibly stressin
People on my case but they cant relate ta deaths to other niggas
With my hand tight on the trigga i still have my life to configure
My break through in life has yet to reach my soul
Ive killed many niggas Ive payed my respects that i owed
I can admit i am a coward who walks the streets with a gun
But when i flash my nine all that beef turns to none
I feel authorized to take your life make u squirm at night make u put up a fight
September 11th my mothers life was taken hearts were broken minds were shaken
But i was different i wasnt the same i was discharged of power i was lame in the brain
i felt it was right to hate on the iraqies But now i see clearly and i know where i stand exactly
To this day i still hate on them middle eastern bastards so i put it in my rhymes and my skill has been mastered
People ask why i waste my time to hate then i tell them they are gay they take lives to castrate
My permission is now granted you my exit out of this page but just think of the heavens
But never forget what they did on september 11th

...i end this piece with no hate directed to anyone on this site.....please leave feedback

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yeah this was tight i really got into this one very emotional give a 8/10 it could do for some multi's doe for real

thanks for the feed ^^^.........uppin for more

Nice ending. The second half was emotion-felt.

Now, your structure was a problem. Try evening out the bars abit more and have relatively the same amount of syllables in each line and it will help the flow and the read along. The internals/ few multies were good and helped the read along.

The thing I disliked most about this verse is that you continued to waver from present tense - to past tense - to present etc. I thought there was too much use of the word "I" and saying what you do. I think your imagery could be improved greatly by telling more of a story rather than what YOU do in everyday life. Work on this and your writing will improve ten fold.

I was feeling the emotion throughout the second half though, your internals and some vocab show that you have a good foundation for writing, all you need to do now is build on it. Pz.

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My Consent?

thanks man appreciate honest feed ^^^ lookin for more feed people

thanks fam............^^^ more feedback please

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..... and yes i copied atticus' typing style cuz it looks sophisticated

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lol haha thanks for the feedback...still lookin for more feel freee

Hunny you said you wanted pointers ^^ He laid it all out.

This was a good piece Emotion I felt was the best Aspect in your verse. Your Imagery need up a little...But Overall this was a good piece..

I would like to give you Pointers but damn It! Vague Laid it all out before I could.

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mystery Is a Freak!!

ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life.
Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8
ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do.
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private
ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged*