Beginning's End

~Verse 1~
Depressed expressions released, the story began with him lonely
In order to insist subsisting he lead a search for his one and only
It took less than he expected, as if he wished upon a billion stars
Just a night of his best retesting and a broad was within his arms
He tasted bliss in this when realizing that his wishes were granted
But deep down inside were instincts of man that God implanted
Slowly but surely the lust began till he could no longer resist it
His insatiable desires manifested within and his mind enlisted

~Bridge~
A kiss to ignite the light they shared, he was her prince charming
With pure beauty such as hers, she had a heart not worth harming
With ignorance and innocence she gave herself and more away
He encased her heart with lying eyes and stole it to escort astray

~Verse 2~
The lust implored his mind to where his thoughts became actions
Without breaking the bond between her he sold his satisfactions
He wrote cold reposed notes to demote her chances of knowing
He hid his intentions with limits but his glances were growing
Finally he found himself a victim who he could label his prey
He initiated his state to capture her with his love fable display
Compelled by his words, the new girl was caught in the trade
Held by what he preferred, he disposed her soul to soon fade

~Bridge~
A kiss to ignite the light they shared, he was her prince charming
With pure beauty such as hers, she had a heart not worth harming
With ignorance and innocence she gave herself and more away
He encased her heart with lying eyes and stole it to escort astray

~Verse 3~
The times were unknowingly spent equally between his treasures
He treated each girl as if they were the only ones without measures
He enticed them both while receiving more than he ever dreamed
But like all other dreams this wouldn’t end the way that it seemed
Cuz soon enough the spider would catch himself in his own web
He was too fixated on his elations to know where each one lead
It was fate for his deception to be shown as a loss mistook winning
The sin consumed him in realities end to bear him to the beginning

In life, choices are made to have effects against and for us...
The voices within know the answers but hone to ignore us...
The times spent can't fully make up for the sins that we make...
So overall the pain is twice acknowledged as pleasures intake...

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<center>"There Will Always Be Someone Better Than You...<center></center>...As Long As I Exist"</center>

thought it came across quite expressive, with some nice multis, but the scheme was quite basic.... for the length of the bars there wasnt much going on, the flow was decent enought, just think it would be better with a few interanls and more mutlis, and not jus at the end of ya lines..... hit my latest drop......

^thanx. this was the first time i wrote a story before.
and it seemed like a good idea...................
i'll be sure to hit that up.

peace

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<center>"There Will Always Be Someone Better Than You...<center></center>...As Long As I Exist"</center>

yo homie..seen sum of ur drops n i gotta say this was also pretty good..stood out cuz it was different but it also came wit ur talent...u had sum very nice imagery, the vocab was strait fire, n the multis were also fire...i dont think i saw ne flaws in this but i mayb wrong...so all ic an say is nice drop n keep rhymin

Peace

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^thanx dog. much appreciation. yeah i just
wanted to try this new style out. its easier and
harder than what i usually do. but thanx again.
keep rhymin also. uppin.
pz

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<center>"There Will Always Be Someone Better Than You...<center></center>...As Long As I Exist"</center>

^^^ (Funny how peeps interpret shit) (southsideloco/imagery)

Real nice story, man...

Good realism, great vocab...

Couldn't find a fault in ya flow.

I wished ya'd have told more about the girls...

Described em some, but that's just my preference.

Helps me with imagery.

But nonetheless, this was way long...

Longer than I normally ever dedicate myself to reading.

But the flow and story made the read fly.

A real sign that you've just read something dope.

Only thing I'd ask ya improve on?

Well, the imagery.
Plenty of emotion here, not enough of imagery.
That'd be about it.

Peace

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Merkings will occur Monday thru Friday, 8 am thru 5 pm, C.S.T.
For my convenience, not yours!

I agree this was a nice piece here man....i enjoyed the read....your structure was great, nothing bad about it at all......you had some nice multies through out the piece....the flow to this was nice, it flowed really well, pretty smooth all over....i liked the expression in this, it was good....some very nice lines in there....overall a nice piece....keep at it man

this was actually pretty nice work..I just can't get passed your gay sig!...anyway..yes your flow was nice..and wordplay was also nice..but..you had no imagery in your pieces...(I'm the imagery king..or I've been falsely told..)anywho..overall this was nice work...peace...~~my sig~~Click~Click~...III...

word
real tight shit i was feeling it.. u had a lot of good vocab but it looked forced ehh it was tight tho if you did force it then it wasnt to noticeable but i like noticing stupid shit like that great piece.. i think you do pretty dern good lol
overall-7/10

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Nuff Said

^thanx people. much appreciation.
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...i wouldv'e made it have more imagery
but it would have been too long i think..
maybe next one.....aite
pz

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<center>"There Will Always Be Someone Better Than You...<center></center>...As Long As I Exist"</center>

thanx. everyone's jealous of my sig. lol.
yah its tight i know.........................
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pz

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<center>"There Will Always Be Someone Better Than You...<center></center>...As Long As I Exist"</center>

this was cool. Maybe a a spin on "The road not taken" I always thought Frost was talkin about two women in that poem. I enjoyed reading this. You're structure was excellent, you're topic's been played yet it was fresh. Good job, especially since it's your first time writing a piece in that story writing style, that's not my thing but if it was, I'd be feelin ' this. A few more story drops and you should have it down pact.Keep it up man.
thanks for the feedback, appreciate it.

you dog i was reading it. pretty tight yo for a begginer. nah ur doing good. i could never do anything that good son. props man, props.
Goby

^lol. thanx peepz. i appreciate it.
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pz

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<center>"There Will Always Be Someone Better Than You...<center></center>...As Long As I Exist"</center>

flow on this was perfect, didnt spot any flaws, nice vocab.. good imagery.. stayed on topic perfectly, very good expressive piece, displayed good storytelling skillz some nice scattered multis.. the content is what makes this piece nice.. good job keep it up.. peep this a quick joint i did thats being slept
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=113859