Wow, thank you Kesse and C.A.L.I!
Wow, Kasse! Son of a Beach! (LoL) I haven't heard that in hella days.. Thank you for the encouragement..
C.A.L.I...
Where are you from? I stayed in San Jo for about a year.. where you stay?
Thank you everyone.. and if I didnt drop any feedback than give me a link and I will do so!
Sweft

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ay this was cool.....

.....like cali said it was ok....not the best but it was pretty good.....

.........your vocabulary at times was good but that was a long poem.....

...overall thats definitely a 9.9 because nobody gets a 10...

.............one more thing..that last line..aint it from nas new cd?.....

Not sure actually. I haven't heard it. It would hella flip me the fuck out if it is! (LoL) lemme know for sure..
Sweft
Uppin...

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very good shit dawg, im impressed

now dats what i like to see on RV...real shit fam...to be honest, i wondered why u was in TC too...well now i know in full force...dis is a must peep for everybody, period...10/10 my nigga...stay up

-DB

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Wow I have the upmost respect for ur skills in writing this was a good read, You show a story many tend to overlook

nice fuckin drop fam 10/10 emotion was tight as fuck, creative as well good use of words n ya vocab was deep. I read this twice homie I was that impressed wit it fam. tight ass,dope ass drop. You runnin the show wit this piece of godlyness u jus typed into this thread!

10/10 absoulete perfection

holla fam

oHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, SHIT, you popped off tha dopest
piece ive seen in a long fuckin time(i knew you would)
thats my boi, doin it larege in TC.. yes this is why you were recruited
your skill, your maturity n your perfect execution of topics brother
there was alot of dope bars in this.......but this was simply my fav
.
My mind is a gem, and your voice is a diamond
Every day I'm findin new situations our love is defined in
.
keep it up fam, you deserve this....9.99/10

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i'll play on ya consience, ya contents is complete nonsense
speak of biting, then you fucks flip everyone of my damn concepts
what the fuck, was you high..?
did you think i wouldn't recognize lines that i made
then you come up some bullshit tryna prove that im gay...!
.
.
fake fucks..move on...!

i really really thot this piece was amazing but i honestly didnt like the last line, it was like all the deepness n talk about 'daughters n sisters' n stuff didnt make sense anymore!

ur an amazing writer tho!!!:thumb:

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This is my sig. what?

I'm white so u KNOW i can't rap =)

I will definitely RTF if u leave a link, thanks!

Yo, its Analogy.. lemme brake it down..

"But you still didn't feel the same, I noticed your sister admired me
Your appearance was similar, I started to get into her
Plus you were so complicated, she was much simpler
Some people that didn't know, called her by the same name as you
Sometimes I got confused, but she didn't have the same mindframe as you"

Okay like, Lil John.. this fool is not hip hop. I am saying the sister is RAP.. now some real hip hop are the underground artist. It's more about money these days.. and that's bull shit.. "oh im ryding spinners" yeah it's catchy and not a bad song.. its just hip hop..
next..
Now the daughter.. I am saying I wanna step up my game.. Not that I wanna be a rapper but I wanna do slam pieces.. but I was writing this poem for hip hop heads.. I wanted more people to feel where I am coming from. I dont know.. at one time.. I did wanna be a rapper.. but its not my passion.
"And in a year or so I plan to make that love into our daughter"

(LoL) no disrespect.. but Im not sure how that confused you..
late..
Uppin!

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cool drop.. the only "flaw" i could find was that the concept has been done by the likes of Nas and Common...long as all hell...lmao... but it flowed well and the story stayed on point all the way through... could tell a lot of thought went into it... a lil more in depth than common's version... can't remember Nas's too much...lol... good shyt yo

Wow at these people's replies. I think it's ridiculous that you are getting
so many ten out of tens and what not, and so little criticism. Cali is about
the only person i've seen who actually gave you something to build on.
Now, don't get me wrong; i'm not hating or anything like that but i
think this sort of thing can somewhat ruin potential and send you in the
wrong direction. Yes it's nice to get props and be told you are awesome,etc
however, and don't take this the wrong way but I doubt there is going
to be any perfect poems on any of these boards which is what a ten out of ten indicates. Everyone has flaws and we can all get better. I'd rather be told
i suck and get some constructive criticism anyday than be told my shit
is flawless, i mean how can someone elevate in that manner? Anyways,
tomorrow i'm going to devote some time to read through your poem and
give you a brutally honest breakdown, so you can actually have something
solid to build on.

I think most people are familar with the format he used. The AABB rhyme
scheme is the nothing new, it's pretty typical on any board in various
styles of writing; Text battles, om's, poetry, etc. But don't get me wrong
man what i said wasn't any way shape or form meant to be negative, so
there's no need to defend him. I was just merely saying that in my
personal opinion people should work towards maybe giving some criticism
as opposed to pure props being that's what helps us all truly elevate our writing. I wasn't trying to take away anything from his piece. And no
I'm not claiming to know everything, just stating opinion but i'm also
not a noob. I mean after all we're in the same crew.
Anyways, sorry Sweft for clogging your thread, i promise i'll edit
in a dope reply later.

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6 Feet

its totally cool. Im still waitin what u have to say..
sweft

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First off i'd like to say that i liked your piece. Reading through it
i thought to myself, yeah he definitely has writing ability but the
subject matter is kind of overdone and somewhat unoriginal.
And honestly that was kind of a turn off, i mean you can only
read so much of this type of stuff before it becomes predictable
content wise. But then i got to the end and was pleasantly supprised
by the little twist you threw in. Here i was the whole time thinking
a chick was the basis for the poem, when it turned out to be hip-hop.
Now i can't say i've seen this concept before, it mave have been
done, but it really made your piece in my opinion. I mean i can
honestly say that caught me off gaurd and that's a good thing.
What made it good is that you didn't really let on that it was
anything other than a girl. That to me was the strongest thing about
your piece and it's good to see you utilize it, very creative indeed.
However with bad comes good and i saw a few areas where you
could stand to improve. To me and it may just be me, but this
really seemed like more of an om than a poem due to the
constant internal rhyming and set scheme throughout the piece.
You did place emphasis on the emotion which is typical of poetry
in most peoples opinion but i thought having to adhere to the scheme
and keep with the internals hindered it a bit. I would have liked
to have seen you move away from that and into a more free verse
type of poem. In my opinion it allows you to say so much more
as well as be way more creative with your ideas. Where as with
a rap or topical or whatever you have to keep that flow by rhyming
and throwing in some words that arent necessarily important to
to what you're conveying. Oh and i was just reading it again and
i saw something that also kind of struck me as confusing. I liked
how you personified hip-hop but some of the lines were kind of
odd if you think about it. Like where you talked about your
wanting to hold hands and the part where you leaned in to kiss.
These lines kind of made me think that maybe you forgot for a second
that you were talking about hip-hop. Now i know you were trying to
make it seem like you were talking about a girl but i really feel like
you could do without lines like those. As they just add to the speculation
that you hadn't intended the twist all along. Anyways it's late
and ive rambled off a page already, lol so i'm going to stop right there.
Sorry if i didnt live up to your expectations as far as my criticism
but i did my best to give you my honest breakdown. Regardless keep
at it hope i helped somewhat

-peace

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