damn...I felt this, but theres a lot of room for improvement.
The emotion was good, because there was a lot behind this.
Some of the rhymes seemed forced, like you weren't even trying to find a better word, just writing a line that would go with the easier word.
You need to up your vocab. This had a good message, and some decent imagery, but i used the simplest words possible.
Your flow was way off...if you try to use syllables to make flow, it can help, but it doesn't always work. Just check if the words will go with a beat.
Not bad dude, once again, great emotion.
Peace

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Life isn't a bitch...
she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis

GREAT!, very well written, I loved this one

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^ Yea this is one of my older pieces. When i was just trying to get the hang of it all. My newer stuff works better with the flow and all. Thanks for your thoughts these are the kinds I like to get cause they can help me alot more.