Apple rinds, and scattered crumbs;
With spoon in foot it's time to dine.
Nothing like a dinner set for two,
Enjoyed in solitude to practice sums
That come from being alone with you.

Cracked China and spotted utensils
Accent that wax puddle brilliantly.

If only she had just come with me
... Sh-She really should have come.

Stare across the sea of drift wood
Into the blank that is "She Should..."

Yell a whisper "Um, Pass The Salt Please"
As I jog to the other table end,
Bring it back; slouch down in my seat.
... "Thank You" I said.

This dinner is just so distant,
To many leaves for just one instant.
I should have removed one,
I guess... I just expected more to come.

You know, you really should have come.

Can't seem to take my eyes away
From the cracked China on the table
... It used to lay so beautiful.

I really wish you just came with me.

But it's ok, I still enjoy your company.
I love that you're mine... All mine.
You know, you'll learn to love me in time.
It's important to realize a downfall
Is always followed by an uprise
........ My, oh my, sweet China Doll.

THIS IS GOOD BUT YOU NEED TO RHYME THIS MORE LISTEN TO YOUR FIRST AS I'VE MULTI-RHYMED IT this is yours

Apple rinds, and scattered crumbs;
With spoon in foot it's time to dine.
Nothing like a dinner set for two,
Enjoyed in solitude to practice sums
That come from being alone with you.

this is mine what you think of this?

Snapple and wine plus apple rinds scattered crumbs from
Shattered plums grab a spoon and have prunes with some
Rice and gravy food’s a winner true its dinner for two
Ready to get rude with attitude and a plate look boo
In the mood for great eating and solitude is nothing new
We’re a love strong crew when I’m alone with you

You don't need to rhyme poetry. And way to embarass yourself with that pointless revise of my work you jackass.

mm mm mm. Nothing like a good dinner. There are so many ways for me to critique this.. How do I go about doing it though?

The vision of lonliness in this piece is awesome. The whole talking to yourself brings out the lonliness and almost makes you feel your pain/sorrow. Which leads to having wonderful imagery. Everything here was imagery for the most part. Running to get salt, talking to emptiness, (or was it a doll?). The story line in itself was nice, and you really brought it out with the emotion. "I really wish you would have come." That, I thought at first, you had restated too many times, but when I re-read the piece, it chymes in and fits the piece nicely.

All-in-all I really have nothing bad to say about the piece. Other than, China Dolls are a bit scary and stupid, but hey, thats just a personal opinion. Good writing bro' and I'm anticipating your next piece.

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- Chryme Syndicate -

so
- S T F U -

cats can duck but which verse would a rapper pick to spit on stage I physically multi-rhyme your stuff in a special way like it or not my verse was classy dawg keep on dreaming and try harder to get to the multi-rhyming level and by the way I think this qualifies as a good response distinguishing the difference between rap and poetry in todays rap society you'll be laughed at is you class that first verse above mine

uhm dis was....................






Good! Lol fooled cha......loved da read....n yea u reallly dont need to ALWAYS rhyme in poetry lumber...........geesh atticus CALM down boy lol....atleast he gave u sum feed.....these threads b unactive n shit......

good piece bro....luved da flow of dis; good vocab; structure was on point.....keep up da good work...1

^ Lol I wouldnt be a dick if I didn't already ban two of his accounts already. He's not supposed to be posting in this forum. Because he's an idiot and says pointless shit that is just aggrivating. But whatever, he'll be banned by tomarrow. Thank you for your responce though C.

P.S. Gonna write you that poem soon

^^^^lol iight boo gotcha

he's been banned two times already? Holy Fucking Shit!. Damn lumber get a CLUE!!!!!

i hate you.. i really do.
you can no longer do poetry anymore cuz i said so.
fuck you! ya know what your so good that you suck!
lol but really now.. why do you have to be so good?

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Lol, thanks alot for the feedback man. And you're just as good, you just don't practise... SO START POSTING MORE POEMS DAMMIT!

damn, not bad. this would be a perfect example of a poem at it's top best. your imagery is very complex, it kept me thinkin a lot. the storyline was pretty good but i didn't quite understand what you meant with the chinese shit. it seemed to have no fit with your story lol, unless you can explain me wrong. the rhymes coulda been upped so you would rhymed more but it still is good, the flow is good and it sounds very abstract.

1

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woah

kinda blew my mind! Made me think of somethings! Speechless

like you said...poetry doesnt have to rhyme.

and good verse. good shit. i liked it.

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$HOWTIM3

Open Battle(s)

im feelin this a lot, whre it lacks being up front it gains everything in emotion and its expression through everyday life