he's out of control and he doesn't know how to stop it
With shiver tears and fear. He got a problem, he admit
Sitting on the grass fill with dew, night lurks above him
He feels his fate is coming, his life for a good future is slim
Tree's whisper, leaves making sounds. this is a bad night
Staying trying to conceal oneself, from unleashing his insight
He grasp a hold of the ground, pushing himself to stand up
Lightning strikes, thunder roars. The good is dawning to a pulp
Like being trapped in a dark cage, he's trapped in the abyss
It's done, the unleash of it The smell of the new is so fresh
Rains drop slowly on him, washing the good from his soul
His heart is like an dead rose, it's turned black like a charcoal
he walks and walks. Step by Step, it's the merging of a grim reaper
Murder weapon in his hand. It shines, it's sharp, it's an cleaver
Still the good in him, is trying to escape but it's lock in a cage
His brows in a downward vertical position, showing the rage
Finally he reaches his destination. With wet hands, he turns knob
Thunder sound erupts behind his back. Still the good is in fog
He walks in, the silent makes him curious, but still he's a lunatic
Heavily breathing from his lungs to the nostrils. ooo he's so caustic
Water dripping and trace of his foot-prints, goes up to the stairs
Trying to be silently he can be. Anger signaling please beware
Again with wet hands, he turns a knob but with careful ness
Now the door fully open, like an open soul that's not protected
He takes advantage from it, putting his wet hands over the lips
Eyes fully open, but he see's the cleaver, so he knows to be quiet
But the extinguish erupts, by the sound of scream from a women
In seconds, it was back to silence. The cleaver leaked blood from it
The man tears starts to crawl on the lunatic hands, with sounds of whimper
But in seconds, that whimpering sounds was shut, by the cleaver
.
.
The morning shines on his face, while his body on the ground in the grass
Still hiding in the bushes, he wakes up by the sound of the ambulance that bypass
Head-ache he starts to feel. With laziness’ to get up He lays back down
As he did, he felt this wetness, and it reeked. Shock on his face erupts as he saw
.................................................. ...................The cleaver with blood on the ground

Leave feed.........................

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mystery Is a Freak!!

ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life.
Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8
ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do.
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private
ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged*

http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=193343


Bump this shit up.........

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mystery Is a Freak!!

ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life.
Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8
ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do.
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private
ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged*

hmm your stucture is pretty good but just a tad ya flow is still needing work the 2nd line was forced emotion wasn't feeling it um you almost got it up the vocab some what a little more when you shorten ya lines then you wont have to use that small font cuz its really hard to read. imagery was pretty good though. overall decent piece i'd rate it C+

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.................................................. .......

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mystery Is a Freak!!

ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life.
Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8
ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do.
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private
ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged*

This is a good piece here....I liked where you went with it....good emotion...some parts seemed somewhat forced emotionally....u overstated a few times....and ya flow was somewhat forced as well...it woulda been nice if u had more multies but thats jus knitpicking....structure was good....vocab was strong....for the most part this piece was solid...a lil touching up an it'd be that much better...but overall good shit, a nice read...keep it up.....1

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^basically what i said

word triple

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This was a good solid piece... aint really peeped your work in awhile......You had some good emotion for the most part.... some seemed forced in places but other then that your emotion was solid ...some parts seemed somewhat forced emotionally....structure was good.... you had some good strong vocab for the most part......wasnt the best piece i have seen from you but i see that you are still working on some things and trying to elevate and thats a good thing... keep doin what you doing man...

Flow was very stretched and forced.

Other than that, the content and emotion of ya piece was nice. Structure was alright. Used vocab relatively well. You seem to express emotion in a very raw way... Thats a good skill to have for rapping and even better to have in poetry...

So up ya flow and maybe ya wording a little, and shit should be straight.

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Content wise , this was dope.

He walks in, the silent makes him curious, but still he's a lunatic
Heavily breathing from his lungs to the nostrils. ooo he's so caustic

Pretty dope right there

Flow was it was ok, but, i felt this needed some multis to help with it to flow smoooth
Also structure i dont like the whole centred thing makes it harder to follow but still a nice drop
Please return the favour as an unbiased vote in me vs kein witz in my sig

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Thanx for the feedback!............................Uppin for more.

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mystery Is a Freak!!

ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life.
Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8
ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do.
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private
ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged*

i think that you changed up your structure on this piece....because it had shorter lines than your others...still it was nice.....flow was good.......nice imagery as usual....i think thats your most powerful area.....altogether a good piece...keep it up

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^^ Word uPPin for some feedback..........................

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mystery Is a Freak!!

ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life.
Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8
ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do.
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private
ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged*

Uppin it for last time for today.........................1

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mystery Is a Freak!!

ITawAPuddyKat: Yeah, I guess. But I won't be a Lesbo for life.
Smartone Freal: oh so u DO have plans of turnin str8
ITawAPuddyKat: Well Yes, Yes I do.
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: Lol, all smiles aren't we? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol yea i cant hide what i think bout u
Smartone Freal:
ITawAPuddyKat: ...Oh, what DO you think about me? Lol
Smartone Freal: lol sorry thats private
ITawAPuddyKat: EWWWWWWW..*Sigged*

I really enjoyed reading this piece due to the simplicity yet power it had. I love how you managed to build the contrast between the good and the bad side. Also the melting together of emotion and imagery was excellent. Only thing you could work on is flow maybe but it has already improved heaps since last pieces I read from you, you shortened your lines. You keep the readers focussed throughout the whole piece by remaining a sense of mystery. Vocab was on point because it didn't affect the concent of your piece in a negative way, it even gave a more powerful feeling. The concept may not have been the best but the way you worked it out was excellent. Had a filmic vibe like a movie playing in front of your eyes due to imagery, strong and raw emotion as well.

Great piece!

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