Behold! My second attempt at poetry. Word.





LINKS
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=229620
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=232262

this was koo. i see you took your time on this piece and that you put alot of thought in to this aswell nick. nice man i liked this here are some quotales i may say


And then it creeps,
Unsuspecting,
Thoughts of the dark one.
The child of hatred,
Its vengeance springs forth.

And so it is frozen,
A weary soul,
Caught between the pull.
The endless battle.
It rages, it lingers,
Until nothing is left.

The spirit dies.

The vessel crumbles.

An empty void remains.
^^
this was a nice ending aswell man...nice wordings.

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I didn't really like the structure of the piece. It was so stop and go that the fluency of the content suffered. I dont know, personally when I think of like it's something free running and smooth, so it could have worked had you made the portion about light smooth and left dark choppy to differenciate, and establish your favored side by making one seem more abrupt and crude. Alot of it kind of came off as corny to me too...

'Blinding, white, piercing rays,
They strike.
Sun staffs, gripped by lights hand.
Lances of wonder,
Beat against shields of shadow.'

Lol, like I think the structure had a lot to do with that aswell, but I got such a fairytale, D&D kind of vibe from that. It just seemed really nerdy. I don't know I had alot of trouble with this throughout because of that structuring. The short lines are fine, I personally use those all the time, but I don't think you even knew that you dont have to have a cama after every break. If the line is supposed to run through than you can just break, readers should know that they're supposed to read on through that line break until they hit a cama or period where it's supposed to be. Uuum ya, not horrible just wasn't really my kind of piece to begin with and the format messed me up.

the structure was alittle weird, but none the less i loved the wording u used in this,the vocabulary was above average and the imagery was decent...left a pretty cool visual and shit on what was happening in this piece,the emotion was well okay iguess could of used more i thought,but for being your second attempt at this it wasnt bad my dude, you show alot of poetential in the poetry level of the site, i look forward to you keep trying and elevating rapidly in poetry...overall decent read

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