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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
07-18-06, 02:46 AM
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#1
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New to RV
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2 days too Early
IP: 36FB 8810
2 Days Early
The consequences of hurrying a creation The infested inhabitants lurched at tit bits of informal information The pedantic placation sued who grew the strew called population The mother’s nature that nurtured the children forlornly grew weary When offspring pierced her eyes and mocked her when she grew teary The child gleefully repaid her with chainsaws and swayed to claim for Their demands to be met and cut her legs for store to store more lore First she was sold in plots so poignant plotters could plan and plot To build on her scathed remains they laughed and claimed rhapsody The worse it got was the more they shot, chasms made to show the blot They stopped the claims but pointed to shame and alas began the parody A failed teaching The action of the parent who wasn’t fervent to display their rare reaction Sent only weathered warnings to stop the forming of artificial spawning But still the tube grew to grow seeds into the mass and form a faction Test tube seeds hailed science mocked the natural alliance every morning The mother was long forgotten now converted to roads and street nooks Vandalised by intoxicated bastards who wet the lapels of the mothers corpse Brash parlours built on religious bearings were home to home lustful crooks Who were ravaged by audacious and obese alike, oh how the child warps The Present Scenario The land as now known was once the mother, the mother who was fractured Therefore, the baby now old pointed at the mother it had willingly captured Maybe the baby never understood the natural lady that carried her ashore When you are told to clean litter tell me have you ever remembered before Epilogue The burly impostor you idolise is the ideal painting of a child grown surly See the spoil and accept God made this world …………..2 days too early Last edited by Pakaveli : 07-18-06 at 02:50 AM. |
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07-18-06, 02:51 AM
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#2
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New to RV
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IP: 36FB 8810
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07-18-06, 11:41 AM
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#3
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Light Weight
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IP: CF74 5D3A
wow kid this is not even poetry this is effective writing all the way any professional person can write this (wow1 that's the reason we can't see eye to eye) it only rhymes at the end sometimes and kinda boring must learn to break the action with a comic relief
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07-18-06, 04:32 PM
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#4
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New to RV
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IP: 36FB 8810
Quote:
theres multiples....the whole thing is practically a metaphor...if you don't know metaphors than don't leave comments...tell me the meaning of my metaphors and then critique and lastly let me clear things up, i have no probs with you neither should you with me. I prefer being cool with all instead of beefing. Accept your critque, good lookin' Stay up. |
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07-18-06, 11:28 PM
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#5
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New to RV
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IP: 4411 73E9
ehh
your problem is oversaturation. you need to get a nice basic grasp of english again this vocabulary is surprising (i can read it, but how many other people do you think can?) i liked it because the concept is concrete insert imagery, detail it less with words but more with emotion meaning...cut as many 100 buck words as you can for the sake of the reader's input. you have a good knowledge of what to say, make it so much simpler and you will get more feed, i'm sure. peace
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70 page spirals pens mind you wanna get better at this, read. |
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07-19-06, 08:22 AM
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#6
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New to RV
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IP: F4A4 0FD3
Preciate your pointer...I have put imagery in....i do make stuff basic at times.
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08-03-06, 07:54 AM
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#7
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oh yea?
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IP: A89C 25AE
I agree with the previous two posts, well.. with some of what they said. yea using certain words you used is cool at times but not when you sound like a freaking text book while doing so lol. this was pretty damn boring man, thats just the honest truth, I know alot of newbies on certain sites love a big vocab, but big vocab doesnt = HOT, thats just a fact man, this wasnt good, you sounded like a freaking robot in this and it never had my attention, I almost fell alseep half way through, plus your wording needs some work too and try to shorten ya lines, some of them are stretched.
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AIM = David Lama says
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