This is my first open mic post, gimme some honest feedback please.....

Internal Struggle
(The optimist Vs. The pessamist)

Negative Influence

I'm gonna show you the image, the illusion im usin,
im winnin the game but inside im just losin,
the confusion causes more than frustration,
its bottled up rage inside an average caucasion,
a misplaced stage in my battle for greatness,
wish i could take time and space, hold it & shape it,
mold it and make it, fine-tuned to my designs,
but instead i dread of watching my demise,
what i decide could ultimately shape my life,
emotions collide but my heart's as cold as ice,
I'm smart and willing and I know what's right,
but my negativity nags and haunts me every night,
my creativity lags and taunts me far from sight,
it's outta my reach, just beyond my grasp
its like swallowing glass to stay in middle-class,
while some dumb fuck gets a million in cash,
but that's life, and that's how it goes,
goes to show life is a never ending road,
one that i dont have to traverse alone,
get depressed, stayin home in the shadows,
in dark parts of my mind glow like a thousand candles,
they burn bright and i conjour up visions,
my mind is just a prison for my optimism,
fate handed me a key, freedom im given,
it appears to me....... my positivity's risen


A battle inside, between two sides of the mind,
hopeless to try the strongest side will survive,
the more you rely and the more you decide,
the more you warp destiny and two worlds collide,

Positive Influence

I feel unstoppable there's something new surging,
ambition and talent seem to finally start merging,
i'm receiving the solutions to all of my searchin,
my mind cured for free and nothing i've sold,
just had to struggle for control of my soul,
there's no cure for me, im like the common cold,
but now my goal is just to grow and expand,
i'll make it out with no help and i know i can,
i will show everyone every damn man alive,
i can beat the odds alone, i can survive,
I'm know to thrive take anything you throw at me,
weave words and make webs of pure poetry,
success i believe is something the world's owing me,
I'm unaware of the path but persistence is showin me,
prepared for defeat cause glory comes unknowingly,
my future is what i make it, so it's not yet created,
I wanna keep this feeling...while my negativity's sedated



(I know the topic is kinda played but i just wanted to post an open mic so i wrote one quick)

uppin...need some feedback....thx...

Interesting. Thought you did better on the positive side. Your negative verse seemed more neutral than negative. Good vocab' - liked the way you constructed some of your rhymes to have three words match with one, etc. like:

throw at me,
poetry,
owing me

Saw a few lines where the flow seemed a little off but overall good. Hit something in my sig if you can. (Broken Metamorphosis if you haven't already preferably)

__________________
Personal Testament 3 (100 Bars)
Befuddlement
Broken Metamorphosis
Cud

Thanks for the honest feedback SMZ, ill check out your OM's and post an opinion in a little while....peace

I actually thought this was decent...although it seemed a bit dragged out...you did have a decent flow working for you..but your wordplay was too basic...your imagery wasn't all that impressive...but I liked your content...it has been tried and done many times..but..I for some reason still enjoy stuff like this..peace....

heh, yeah i knew the subject had been done alot, but i just wanted to post something
Thanx for the honest reply penskillz....and keep those OM's comin.....

Uppin.....i need some input...thx....

Don't sleep on this....gimme some input....

not bad at all. Good vocab and flow. I got into it from the start but than it sorta just i dunno draged on a bit... Maybe try to have it shorter it can produce a better impact with the reader.. anyways props.... keep at it

plz return the fev
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=114387

I need some more input.............
ill return the favor and post my opinion on your shit...........

upp in, need some more feed back on this....
ill return the favor...leave a link