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12-29-05, 12:40 PM | #1 | ||||
pain is weakness leaving the body
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The difference....
IP: F38C 26F8
"The difference between what u want and need
Links:is one is beautiful but makes bleed, and the other dull but keeps u living, and tho it's boring it cares and never stops giving..... -there was a rosebush that wanted wine instead of water..... this water was pure, but a bit too predictable for the rose's taste.... the wine however was new, exciting..... the wine was thicker, both sweet and bitter at the same time...... the water wanted to be with the rose and the rosebush wanted nourishment, but still the rosebush persisted with the wine.... when the rosebush finally got the wine, it's juices flooded the roses roots and dried to it, killing the rose..... the water cried down a million tears from it's clouds, but in the end, could not save the rosebush..... In the end there is no need to cry, for all the tears in the world can't help those that wish to die" -a poem/story from your man.... even tho i'm not exciting as i used to be, i'll always be here for u, with anything u need..... http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=217144 http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=218296
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"I don't want to be deep... I want to feel deep and use that feeling to express depth itself..." -Konchance my poetry: untitled |
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12-29-05, 02:43 PM | #2 | ||||
Odi et Amo
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IP: 09C1 6A40
I really liked this poem...I feel the little introduction could be worded a little better here and there, fix some grammatical errors, use better punctuations and such. I loved the image of the rosebush and the wine and the water. I feel you used good wordings to express all of that, the storyline progressed nicely. Some suggestions: get that cadence, those similar sounds imbedded in your poem, get more into detail here and there.
But nice poem
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Authentik Intelligence ...The future is mine... |
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12-29-05, 03:46 PM | #3 | |||||
A Life Of Chryme
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IP: F1CB 652C
This was a meaningfull poem, it was simplistic but had good emotion...your imagery was noticable as well.Not much to say but short and sweet, .....overall 7.4/10.......nice job.
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A LIFE OF CHRYME |
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12-30-05, 09:50 AM | #4 | |||
1926
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IP: 0825 899A
You actualy content, or, direction of that was beautiful. But, although your content was very nice... You ruind it for me in almost all the lines because you worded it all VERY awkwardly. I mean, this whole piece I could just go line by line and rephrase things and they could just be sooooooo much more powerfull. The way you did it you really sold you content short. Also, your structure was all over the place. Which, if you had worded the content better then the structure would have been an extremely minor thing. So again, it all comes down to wording... Just re-read your piece before you post because I mean... There's no way that sounds as good as it could. Stay up and keep writing man.
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