im gonna add a chorus and all so tell me what ya think??

(Chorus)

One day I'ma die, mama don't cry
Ain't no heaven up in the sky
One day I'ma fade away
And set the world on fire, watch the sky turn grey

(verse 1)

Somehow it seems,mama calling my name in my dreams
Crackfiends, amphetimenes, what does it really mean
Sometimes it feels like I'm fallin,am I close to death
Gaspin,suffocatin for air,losin my breath
I see visions of doctors and scalpels makin incisions
From fatal collisions to suicidal desitions
Nobody knows my suffering
I bring the pain from my migrane, I swallow 23 bufferins
I was addicted to caine since birth
Crack baby goin crazy, so how much is my life worth
A baby boy that bounces
36 ounces I flip,kilograms I slam from the hip
It's kinda crazy how I'm livin
But I'm mad on a murder ride nigga I'm suicide driven
I've arisen from a dead state-of-mind to find I was blind,too late
Mama don't cry

(Chorus)

One day I'ma die, mama don't cry
Ain't no heaven up in the sky
One day I'ma fade away
And set the world on fire, watch the sky turn grey


(Verse 2)
If I could start all over I would
But I can't,if I could,then my heart might have been good
I guess I lost all my time when I lost my mind
It makes me sad to hear mama cryin
So many dyin
I never stopped to think what I put you through
Much love,I thought you hated me,mama see I never knew
I guess I walked the wrong path
In the aftermath,many demons screamin my name
You don't know the half
I was dead a long time ago
Never ressurected,once the .45 shell connected
With my dome,I saw my misery crack a smile
So put my dead body in the pile
And wait a while till you come to the cemetary
Cuz you might see my tombstone burnin cuz it's necessary
Pine box, my body rots with the best of em
Mama I'm dead like the rest of em
Mama don't cry

(Chorus)
One day I'ma die, mama don't cry
Ain't no heaven up in the sky
One day I'ma fade away
And set the world on fire, watch the sky turn grey


can i get honest and good feed back...

__________________

This was an iight piece i was feelin it.......deffinitly an emotional piece though....up on ur multis.....ur vocab...and that shit......i couldnt really grasp a good flow off it becuz ur structure was so off...try making ur structure look like this
Blah Blah Blah Blah
Blah Blah Blah Blah etc.............rtf man

thanks upp'inf or more feed back...

upp'in this............................

this was a nice, deep piece, however it would have been much nicer if you had a good structure and if it flowed well, because i lost the flow in a few places so work on that.....also upp your vocab a lil bit expand on the topic......the emotions there though and you pulled that off well.....keep it up

__________________