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12-31-03, 06:04 PM | #1 | |||
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Wisdom Teeth
IP: A9A7 727D
double cross my heart, no hope to die
you can't see the needles, but they're in my eyes I lost my heart, no hope to cry a simple stuttered laugh, a crooked little sigh I never ever said, but it's true my friends I didn't ask for them, but I won't pretend that each melancholy smile isn't appreciated the outlook becomes clear because the vision's faded as we grow and mature, it all stabs clear we never listen anymore, all we do is hear and what was once so pure is now obscured by fear trying to be far away but still ending up near this was a short guitar song...hmm...it sounds better when sung I will record it and post the link in this thread
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Life isn't a bitch... she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis |
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12-31-03, 07:13 PM | #2 | |||||||
Spectator
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IP: 1A70 9542
Ohh well if its better sung then it must be awesome, because this is good poetry. The flow was perfect, and the rhyme wasnt forced at all. Very creatively written, and your use of vocab was original and refreshing.
I particularily liked the last stanza- as we grow and mature, it all stabs clear we never listen anymore, all we do is hear These lines really stood out to me. Great write.. Happy Holidays. T
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Great spirits often encounter violent opposition from mediocre minds.
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12-31-03, 07:58 PM | #3 | |||||||
^will fuck you up
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IP: FF0B 4A2B
maven that was a tight poem. i like the way you took that rhyme and turned around...beautifully done. hit up my poem....its at the top
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01-01-04, 12:04 AM | #4 | |||||||
Sharp Perfection.
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IP: 6FC4 251C
this i enjoyed! mostly how simple it seems to be, but how far the depth goes when you actually take time to think about it. i cant wait to hear it sung. it seems everything about it was simple, the structure, the words, the rhyme scheme, except for the message, which work beauty for this piece! your intro was my favorite part, because when it comes to intros i tend to be picky, and this one passed for me! beautifully told
~Tera~ DONT HATE
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R.I.P to my lost girl
~ Nyla ~ keep singing in heaven |
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01-01-04, 12:37 AM | #5 | |||||||
Atra Ludio or Hip-Hop?
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IP: CEF5 716F
I don't get the title.
Other than that, this was great. I feel like this was an enjoyable read, but somehow I realize this isn't ment to be uplifting. But either way, I still liked to read it. It just flowed so goddam smoothly. Not even singing, just speaking each line. It works, it's amazing. ~Shalom~ |
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01-01-04, 04:52 AM | #6 | |||||||
Flyweight
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IP: FA08 169D
I really felt this poem. From this poems wealth of understanding, I must give you props for lines 9,10 and 11. Keep it up.
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Ya shit is no competition like 'trucker hats' against some 'fitteds' nigga I'll fade u away like J's on the ballin court in a 'arcura' wit 'tinteds' -mindkontrol none yall niggas wanna see me... |
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01-02-04, 12:54 PM | #7 | |||
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IP: A9A7 727D
thanks very much everyone...I still haven't gotten around to recording it because I can't figure out a good chord progression for the second stanza....
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Life isn't a bitch... she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis |
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01-02-04, 12:59 PM | #8 | |||||||
..Soft Focus..
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IP: 1B3B C284
Short but really good, it had a lot of good emotion and lines well done, i enjoyed the read it would sound nice in a song i think
pz
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Open Mics The Weathers Art http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673 My Teenage Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850 Secluded http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851 Open Your Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461 |
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01-02-04, 10:35 PM | #9 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 18CD 6470
Some resounding moments in this piece. Like the 'don't listen just hear' one.
Did seem like something one would sing whilst plucking on his acoustic guitar. Though some parts would make it interesting (how you'd fit it in..). Which i guess depicts the complex beauty/ugliness or music and poetry as one. It's a good read. ..resp... (Are you saying we've lost our wisdom teeth...kind of linking how in our youth we loose our wisdom teeth...??)... |
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01-03-04, 11:32 PM | #10 | ||||
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IP: A9A7 727D
Quote:
that pretty much hit the nail on the head v....I am still in my youth, and my wisdom teeth haven't come in yet. They tell me I will get to keep them. So I kinda wanted to see if that meant anything....and then the high wore off
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Life isn't a bitch... she's just sick of being personified -Sage Francis |
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01-03-04, 11:36 PM | #11 | ||||||
Guest
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IP: 9ECF 685B
Short and sweet. "you can't see the needles, but they're in my eyes" <--- that was a great line!! you better let me hear the audio...
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