When you find the girl you love
And you think she likes you to
Then all of a sudden
The world turns on you
Where everything that could go wrong does
It's your own living, breathing version of hell

You do things that you would of never thought of doing before
All in all it turns out that you are driven
Driven to the brink of insanity
Driven to be something that your not
Driven to the extreme of one's own mind
To find the one place in your heart that can't be filled with anything but her love

As I was told in my earlier years
" Find the girl you love and never let her go "
Well in my case
It doesn't work like that
Because you have people out there waiting for you to mess up
Just so they can be like vultures and take everything that you care about

They take all one's hopes and dreams
And flush them down the toliet
Like your nothing but a worthless piece of crap
So you do what they all don't expect
You do the unexpected and go off to your own little world
Where nothing can stop from doing what your gonna do

Life sucks and then you die
So if one's life is not how its supposed to be
Change it
And make it likes its supposed to be
Just don't let yourself be
Driven to the Extremes of one's own mind and body

MM

In the begining the first two lines began to have a rhyme
scheme, but then you just decided to go on feeling
instead of trying to think about how you feel and put
it in metaphors. I enjoyed reading your words they had a
lot of power and feeling. You had good wordage considering
its your feelings and not a contemplated very thought out poem.
Structure was okay, you should try to work on the line by
line, for instance

"Driven to the extreme of one's own mind
To find the one place in your heart that can't be filled with anything but her love"

The second line is twice the size of the first. The ending kind of
just fell off, it seems you didnt really know how to end it.
Sometimes the best thing to do is just leave the end off and
later you may think of something brilliant. Usually poems that
trail off sound better without the ending anyways. The last miniparagraph starting "life sucks..." that first line began on
a different tone than the rest of it. You started by just letting
us know how you felt and at the end you said an overall feeling
when you begin about one feeling go with that and try not to
stray. I would say this is a good piece though. Keep writing.

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<BR><h3><color=black><center><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=left LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 width=300>*~*~*Lady Wun*~*~*</MARQUEE></color></center></h3>
<BR>
<BR><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=up LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 height=100> <center><font color=000000><I>*~*~*~*~*</p>I'm invisible to the unseen eye</p>I'm undeniable strength</p>*~*~*~*~*~*</p>Merk Squad</MARQUEE></center><I>

Thanks for your input on my writings. I will use the techniques that you told me about in my next writing. Thanks again for your input. I really appreciate it.

MM

They take all one's hopes and dreams
And flush them down the toliet
Like your nothing but a worthless piece of crap
So you do what they all don't expect
You do the unexpected and go off to your own little world
Where nothing can stop from doing what your gonna do


^
that paragraph / stanza
was great i think that itself could have been a great poem ( of course
using a lil rewording)
but you held a big impace
with jsut that lil part alone

great job

Thanks for the post hazy. Im glad that you liked my poem. This poem came from my heart and soul and I really appreciate all the feedback. Keep it comin.

MM

Good way to vent. Racin is a good way too but you have to worry bout to much shit. here you just sit and type your heart out. Good flow, a lil shoppy but hey we all do that. Keep it up. JT


"lite em up till they hit rim and melt to the earth"..... peace

Thanks for the post JT. I can come here and type away that the keyboard and spill my guts. I have a lot of spilling to do so I will do it sooner or later. I like your quote on the end of your post. Burning a set of tires off your car is a rush and I thrill to do. All of a sudden you hear, POW POW. Both tires get so hot they melt and the rim glows red. I think you know what im talking about. B4L.

MM

I Can Realte But The Other Way Aound!
I Enjoyed Reading This Piece, Very Deep
Good Work!

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<center>
"Fuck Y'all Hataz."

</center>

anotha drop of raw thought. they way ya expressed ya emotions was straight forward. good stuff.

__________________
the one that watches the watchmen:

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Keep it comin.

MM

get some new shit it aint workin son

__________________
[IMG][B]Young Black
the reason i eat emcees is because i'm hungry


[IMG]

this is rap battles not poem battles

__________________
[IMG][B]Young Black
the reason i eat emcees is because i'm hungry


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