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01-21-06, 04:58 AM | #1 | ||||||
Addicted
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first poem...written @ 3am...its wack but leave feedback plz
IP: 6573 03CD
What an ironic dillemma I'm in//
it seems I'm allergic to my own skin// sitting in my room coughing and weezing// stumbling out the door while im gasping while struggling breathing// just realizing my flesh// will be the reason for my death// waking up at three in the morning// my body steered by my endless mourning// quickly gaining pain and losing faith// craving a spliff but sipping and eighth// steadily poisoning myself// staring at the many pictures lining my shelf// portraits of happiness along with ignorance and lies// in reality my soul is living but everyday a piece dies// continuing to disbeleive but ashamed of my blasphemy// how can I love a God who no longer cares for me?// I'm told I should be greatful of my spoils// more fragrances than Nefertiri had scented oils// im only sixteen years old// but with a hate for life and my religion so bold// "Nejla at least you're alive// get an education because for perfection you must strive"// suffocated by my own greed// snatching what I want, taking for granted what I need// surprised by my virginity// such a sexual person infused with pure naivety// yet always denying a nigga get inside me// falling in lovew with a man who's younger// yet surpassing me because he's wiser and stronger// watching the burning sun rise// all the while contemplating my own demise// he's doing his best to assure me I have a purpose// although his words make sense his logic seems worthless// staring in the mirror hating all my features and my flaws/ the shape of my eyes the contour of my jaw// the curve of my hips// softness of my skin and lips// feeling even uglier after pretty niggas throw compliments// I'm so fucked up in the head// motionless listening to Illmatic lying in my bed// I'm falling too fast and giving my heart to too many people// making them love me then hating them revealing my evil// wishing that I had One Love// but Life's A Bitch and the only exctacy is above// hating it when my mom cries// yet letting her know I'm plotting my demise// increaseing her flowing tears// while she's voicing her fears// I'm holding my pain in my spirit// 'cause none of my "friends" can be bothered to hear it// hating the world now more than ever// aware that the day I find happiness is never// befriending thugs and bastards in the slums// deep voices and dangerous smoothness offering to make me cum// they continue making gestures trying to catch my eye// being slick staring at my breasts trying to touch my thigh// I'm wishing I was stronger while letting herb numb the pain// 'cause life is parrallel to hell and i can't maintain// it's a struggle always trying to hide my hate// Allah and Satan in my soul about my destiny they debate// got me wondering if I'm to be consumed by flames// if Hell is my destination then no point in holding back my pain// let my anger cause fear in those know my name...
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LOL http://www.myspace.com/inebriation927 hit me up bitch |
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01-21-06, 02:45 PM | #2 | ||||||
Power Hungry
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IP: 801D BA54
nice peice
better than what I thought it was goin be alot of personal lyrics like you gettin some shit off ya breast..I mean chest. rhyme scheme was basic, but you make up for that in content I feel ya pain too. especially this part; the shape of my eyes the contour of my jaw// the curve of my hips// softness of my skin and lips// feeling even uglier after pretty niggas throw compliments// ^I can relate to that part. no homo SMH, keep strong, girl. lol, but yeah, this would be decent if it was audio, cos it flowed quite well. but ummmm, thats it. oh, next time lose the slashes..
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www.myspace.com/zoneout1
Rap Extraordinaire Quote:
Last edited by Will S.Unyu : 01-21-06 at 04:58 PM. |
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01-21-06, 04:20 PM | #3 | ||||||
Addicted
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IP: 08DE 91E4
lmao...yeah i jus didnt know how to type it out i thought it would be easier to read if i put it in bars...smh @ "getting some shit off ya breast'...niggas
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LOL http://www.myspace.com/inebriation927 hit me up bitch |
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01-22-06, 12:52 AM | #4 | |||||||
I see dumb people
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IP: AF88 6884
word @ my dope lil sis!!!!!!!!!
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01-22-06, 09:04 AM | #5 | ||||||
Addicted
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IP: 0333 8CAA
thx for the feedback...y arent more fuckas peepin this :sad:
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LOL http://www.myspace.com/inebriation927 hit me up bitch |
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01-23-06, 08:49 AM | #6 | |||||||
You Cant Handle The Truth
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IP: 950F 0FDD
because they're losers, just like you my little Middle Eastern friend lol eww you write with the bars at the end of your lines...that looks bad in poetry, we know it's the end of the line when you press ENTER mami, lol off the bat i'll tell you right now.. you need to work on your structure like right here... Quote:
that should've been one sentence, just put a comma after "flesh"...you can use internal rhyme in poetry your vocab is kewl, not simple and your subject isn't lame lik "love" or some shit...you weren't way simple but you didn't O.D. on it either...it's just right Quote:
^ liked that part a lot, made me really think about how you must really be feeling pain if the person you love's logicmeans nothing 'cause life is parrallel to hell and i can't maintain ^ like dat too like I told you on MSN, you should def make this a "dramatic reading" and record it...if not I'll do it got dammit lol |
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01-23-06, 08:52 AM | #7 | ||||||
Addicted
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IP: 6573 03CD
shpank u for the constructive critiscism
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LOL http://www.myspace.com/inebriation927 hit me up bitch |
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01-23-06, 09:28 AM | #8 | |||||||
I see dumb people
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IP: 7F81 CDBA
uppin' this for my lil sis and shit. ~_~
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01-23-06, 09:49 AM | #9 | |||
1926
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IP: 7BE2 A0A1
If you want to help your little sis then maybe you should clue her in to the fact that each forum has a set a rules... Rules that, aparently she over looked before posting this.
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01-23-06, 09:51 AM | #10 | |||
1926
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IP: 7BE2 A0A1
. . . . . . . *Closed* |
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