Kick back....

HOOK: Look up in the sky, its a bird, its a plane/
Nah, its the rap superhero here to take back the game/
Don't do it for the glory, the riches, the fame/
I do it for the game, Superman is the name/

Yo, in the sky, its a bird, its a plane/
No, its the souped up rap Superhero, Superman is the name/
I'm the Man Of Steel, and yes, you best believe I'm real/
You can call me Clark Kent, I'll put a dent in your grill/
Not your teeth, man, I'm talking bout the front of your jeep/
Sorry about that son, I don't they don't come cheap/
So I fly around the world, reverse time and change the scene/
Who would have thought that an alien being would be MC'ing/
My incredible mind stores more information than computers/
Crushin' MC's like microphone holding Lex Luthors/
I save the day, fly back and come bailin' out the phone booth/
Step to the nearest cypher and remove some thugs gold tooth/
Son tried as he might to spit some lyrical Kryptonite/
But it was useless compared to the mics that I ripped tonight/
Then I flew off to the Fortress of Solitude/
Rolled up a Super Blunt, got Super High, and ate a hell of alot of food/
Then it was back to the streets, looking for rap villians/
Found a minor punk lookin' wack, thinkin' he was illin'/
I straightened him out, I was on my way/
When I heard this voice call out to me, "Hey!"/
Cape whirling around me, I turned to face this menace/
It was another wannabe, who called himself MC Pathetic/
The title was apt considering the boy couldn't rap/
But it didn't stop him from constantly trying to attack/
Your truly, Earth's greatest superhero champion/
So I took a nap and then/
Flew off to the sun and back again/
Only to discover the kid was still kickin' those nonsense lyrics/
I tried to cover my ears, but my Super Hearing kept me hearin' it/
I gotta end this, he must have found my only weakness/
I get faded when I hear these criminally wack MC's speeches/
In a flash, I bounced to the top of the Empire State/
And kicked a rhyme about Krypton, but no one could relate/
So I put the cape away, cause too much flyin' high can become a habit/
And I had deadlines to meet back at The Daily Planet/
Back to Clark Kent, mild mannered rap reporter/
Met up with Jimmy Olsen and picked up a fat quarter/
Put the dope in my pocked and sped off to get fresh, yeah, I had a date/
I had to pick up that fly honey, Lois Lane, at eight/

Look up in the sky, its a bird, its a plane/
Nah, its the rap superhero here to take back the game/
Don't do it for no glory, no riches, no fame/
I do it for the game, Superman is the name/

Met up with Lois, and she was lookin' like all that/
She said it was cute how I tilted my old school Smallvilee ballcap/
After drinks we head back to her place, and were just pullin' in/
When the radio flashed and emergency news bulletin:/
"Lex Luthor! He's escaped, and he's on the lam!/
The police can't catch him, only Superman can!"/
Hearing this, I began to sweat/
Things were just gettin' started, and I ain't wanna leave yet!/
But duty calls, so after a quick dose of X-Ray vision/
I set to work on getting Lex back in prison/
After all, he's the worst rhyme purpetrator of all time/
Mishandling and mangling line after line/
Bustin' into safes, and stealing rhymebooks/
Then stuttering his way thru the rhymes that he took/
Not to mention biting everything in sight/
And stiffing the cats he hires to ghostwrite/
Now be being the man that I am, I can't let it happen/
Defender of Truth, Justice, and Competent Rappin'/
Just then, I spotted him from above, the shine of his bald head bright/
And then I spotted his jewels - What! They were blinging with Kryptonite/
The dirty scoundrel, but I knew what to do, cause one thing he forgot/
I could melt diamonds with my turbo charged rhymes so hot/
So I started to kick it, from way in the distance/
And in that very instant, the rocks turned to liquid/
Then Luthor screamed for mercy, and cursed my name/
"Damn you Superman MC, won't you ever give back the game?"/
I said not as long as there were raps to be written/
Then I tied him up in a pretzel position/
The authorites took him and printed and booked him/
Then treated him for the burns my rhymes cause when I cooked him/
The press showed up, but I hit a phone booth, and out I sneaked/
Back to Lois Lane's, cause that girls a Super Freak!/

I liked it the concept of it. You should work on your vocab a little more but i liked the flow and somewhat liked the wordplay. Seemed kind of basic but It was still nicely written. 8/10

__________________
The only thing to fear is fear itself and fear conquers all!!!!

well, first thing first...

Hook:

Very amateurish and kinda predictable:

Look up in the sky, its a bird, its a plane ---- used by red and meth on how high and also used by newbie emcee MIMS...this whoel concept is a dead issue....try being a lil more original... try to come up with a new way to put ya story out there... the hook is only setting you the listener up for a dissapointing retelling of a story already told but in your own twisted way.

Verse one:

ok... the concept of being a superhero emcee... ehhhhh... it's been done before and one way or another.. and not just recently... i'm talking back in the eighties when cats were still doing original tracks and rhymes... this is nothing new...

your rhyme scheme definitely needs some work... it's too choppy... inconsistent.... the story jumps around from one thought to the next without any consideration for blending them together seamlessly... your thoughts should flow smoothly and allow for a natural transition as opposed to a forced one....

example:

I'm the Man Of Steel, and yes, you best believe I'm real/
You can call me Clark Kent, I'll put a dent in your grill/

i get the whole concept of when Clark got hit by the taxi in the original movie...but the two lines don't have a smooth transition... the two thoughts have no real relation

Not your teeth, man, I'm talking bout the front of your jeep/
Sorry about that son, I don't they don't come cheap/

i'm gonna be real with you and tell you that this is just straight up mediocre... no real thought or effort put into this line at all... it screams "amateur!"

So I fly around the world, reverse time and change the scene/
Who would have thought that an alien being would be MC'ing/

how does this relate to the last line?... find your transition... the last line should lead the reader straight into the next with out perplexing the few brain cells that were left after reading the beginning parts... joking... but seriously, if you pay attention to any book and HOW it is written you will see how one idea leads to the next.

My incredible mind stores more information than computers/
Crushin' MC's like microphone holding Lex Luthors/

this line makes absolutely no sense whatsoever... you reread it and then get back to me and tell me what YOU think that line means...

I save the day, fly back and come bailin' out the phone booth/
Step to the nearest cypher and remove some thugs gold tooth/

again... no transition...no connection... ya just came outta nowhere with this line and it's pretty pointless

Son tried as he might to spit some lyrical Kryptonite/
But it was useless compared to the mics that I ripped tonight/

what mics did you rip?.... this is the first dude introduced in the piece that you encountered!... again... stop with the random lines... if you wanna do a story format you gotta keep the story in proper perspective.. there is a natural order to things and you're fucking with that order big time... don't rush your work... go back and make sure that it actually makes sense...

Then I flew off to the Fortress of Solitude/
Rolled up a Super Blunt, got Super High, and ate a hell of alot of food/

jumping again... no smooth transition...doesnt connect the previous line... i had a hard time watching this story unfold....people become succesful writers by studying their craft and taking their time.... no one writes a good book on the first try... they edit... they proofread... they have someone else proof it.... there is a draft process before it reaches the final stages...

i admire your drive... you kinda remind me of myself when i first started writing... i actually thought all of my stuff was good... but how good can ya stuff be when i was writing 3 full songs per day with 3 verses each?i had no form or structure... only concentrated on style... i had to learn taht to get better i had to focus more... i had the raw talent but i still needed work ... now... more than 10 years later i am still learning from others... older and younger... take advantage of the english language and all of the rules that go with it... use your favorite emcees as examples... pick apart songs they've done and find out how they made certain concepts work... it will benefit you greatly in the end and you'll be able to find your OWN style and have kats looking at YOUR work as an example of how to write one day....


Be easy lil homie... keep practicing

__________________

CLICK DA SIGGY

Wow, you just shit all over it eh, IG. lol. It's just a keystyle story I whipped up son, be easy. The hook wasn't supposed to be original, just a re-working of the Meth/Red version. Some of the lines were amateurish no doubt, but I wasn't exactly trying to spit some flawless shit, nahmean? And the transition thing? What you mean? Flew around the world and reversed time to avoid denting the grill again, see? Personally, I thought the the first half of the "song" was the weakest, til I actually figured out what I was writing really. But, thanks for the constructive criticism, at least you took time to break it down and read the thing.

BTW, you been rappin' 10 years and that sig is the best you got? Some aight multi's, but your shit ain't exactly Illmatic material either homey.

You have 3 Days To Post 1 Or More Links In Order To Keep This Open Mic Open, According To New Rules. Do So Or This Will Be Closed & Moved.

__________________
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