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Old 06-21-05, 11:10 PM   #1
Os1ris
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Clock Ticks

IP: F519 0F67

Quick Keystyle tell me what you think

The gun wasnt to far from his own home
Infact for a start - it was just unda old clothes
Bein 9 in a fun mind - always has trouble in the young eyes
But the wrong line - squeaky and sayin "just one time"

So he goes around playin cops and robbers
Showin his friends - like the glocks a dollar
Wonder where the fuck is his mother and father?
They dont bother - to check there son while he wanders

Now playin Indians and Cowboys - giving stick ups
Scaring elders with such a foul toy sayin - "Bitch, what?!"
Never pulling the trigger - his mouth was the shot noise
Probably cuz he figured the gun was just a hot toy

So he goes to his room - aiming his self in the mirror
The things kids do - we need rules - to keep it clearer
Curiosity leades him to aim the gun at him self
To have a peep in the hole - where the bullets are held

Eye to Eye with the gun - and his finger slips, "Click"
The safety lock is gone - and now his life is.....
So he cocks it - "What will happen if i pull this"...-drops it
And now the blood drips - now a sons hit - now the clock ticks...
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Old 06-22-05, 01:32 AM   #2
J.Terror
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Nice...worn't call that poetry but Nice!!!
keep droppin son, nice stroy tellin,
i know of ppl who actually died doing that stupid ass shit!!!
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Old 06-22-05, 07:53 AM   #3
Phorge
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Nice rhyme scheme, worked well..
Although this did have imagery..
Emotion was lacking quite a bit..
The whole story made sense..
But the topic is so played that its hard to think of this as an original piece..

Keep dropping..
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Old 06-22-05, 08:41 AM   #4
H-N-I-C
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I'm feelin tha storyline...excellent plot and u told the story in a good way. I'd have to agree with phorge o the emotion, it wasn't quite there, but that didn't break the piece, this was still a solid drop.

Overall...7.5/10

RTF on one of the poems in the sig
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