this is a spoken word piece which i plan on doing for def poetry in december but id like to get some feedback on it first




I stand before you as a voice whos been chosen.
In a country where the symbol of justice is blindfolded.
Amidst chains but shackles that still remain on liberty’s arms.
Where people starve while missiles are hid in the soil of forms.
I walk down the streets paved in gold......
For every dealer on a corner where poison is sold.
I drown in oceans of blood and tears of mothers,
For those who claim brothers under similar colors then bang on each other.
Artists paint symbols on skin of soldiers long forgotten,
As we pick from fields of concrete searching for cotton.
With no shirts and shorts we play on courts covered in glass shells.
But the only 3’s we get precede 6’s and 9’s in prison cells.
Inner hells burn our souls in flames until we forget heavenly placement.
Children die in diamond mines.........
..............until we kill for stones and still end up in braclets
Inhale cancer the smoke hiding answers that can be solved with patience.
So in a land of freedom,we choose to answer hatred with hatred
As days fall like autumn leaves the vivid colors making rainbow patterns.
I stand in crumbling castles, a crown shattered and robes tattered.
And my kingdom of broken syringes and subjects enslaved to addiction.
Where story’s of glory are told across the lines of fact and fiction.
Those who protect and serve are wolves in a land of sheep.
Where dead men roam accross graveyards while the reaper sleeps.
Children fall while foreign posions destroy thier parents frames.
And the road to riches and redemption exists on transparent lanes.
A proclamation of emancipation is given to those who toiled adjacent.
A signed statement with the signature of slaves owning racists.
So I stand before you as a voice whose has been chosen.
In a country where my symbol of justice is blindfolded.
Amidst chains but shackles that still remain on libertys arms.
Where people starve while missiles are hid in the soil of farms
Revolution….............
Lets get it on !!!!!!!!!!!!!!









http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2517889
^^i left feed on this and the pulpit by robbie mcallistar

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damn man this is nice......

im eager to see how u perform it at def poetry...cause ima def be watching....DONT CHOKE FOO! lol...

this shit had some nice meaning to it....and its all true...i can def feel you...i think if you say it right....youll take the audience by storm...no question.......

i dont really know what to say...cause im ignorant when it comes to poetry...( i just like to listen to it )......but good job man....

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Excellent poem with in fact too many quotables. The concept first of all was something many will agree on or maybe open some people's eyes in a way to see their beloved country from another perspective. Your use of images was right on point, you didn't overdo them and in some places it was subtle yet still present. The emotion was definitely there, you could sense it in the choice of your words and the overall tone of this poem. The vocabulary was excellent too, you managed to keep it understandable yet added a good amount of complexity.

Props

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thanks for the feed wish a few more people would leave some

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this shit was really hot i was feelin it i thought it was very creative and i cant really see a weakness other than u need to use multies more but that may harm ya flow and make it seem forced!

keep producing hot scripts dunn!

my fav lines were:

Inner hells burn our souls in flames until we forget heavenly placement.
Children die in diamond mines.........
..............until we kill for stones and still end up in braclets

keep this shit up dunn!

1

+Stealth+

damn. this was amazing. I liked the way you explained or worded everything. metaphors I think but you gave an example or what was really happening. I love this piece, nice drop and thanx.

Artists paint symbols on skin of soldiers long forgotten,
As we pick from fields of concrete searching for cotton.

Liked that line.

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Back.....

do yourself a favor don't listen to these homos throwing around the word multi's and then going to bump some people like 50 Cent, BIG and ATCQ who have very simple rhyme schemes. Some of the retards who give feedback are so retarded i dont even bother. It would be a cool song and an even better poem said at an open mic. Point being this was NICE!!! Your good in your own way. Write about whatever you want if your write like this your cool. As far as something i could suggest this was a GREAT poem but I could never listen to that being rapped over a beat, sorry...I've listened to stuff like that rapped over a beat it was average. you gotta strive for beter than that. Next time listen to some of your favorite Hip Hop artists come together to form a lyrical monster and write like that.

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^thanks for the feedback it is GREAT homie read the beggining its a poem im doing for def poetry which im gonna be on in december.it is spoken word its not a rap

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I was told I'd be perfect for def poetry...but...ends up...I'm too fucking lazy to memorize for an open mic. But I will, someday.


And yeah, dope poem...had a lot of quotables. I like the cotton line...dope as shit.

props good overally only flaw i see was in the first line i think u forgot a word nice solid drop
heeees baaack

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From a magnificent block need keys for different locks
Some doors won’t open galore are broken drama don’t stop
This is a disaster G without a master key so I’m unprotected
With a fun flow rejected locked out the block clout neglected
So my piece of work will be feasted on my jerks I’m standing bold
Demanding scrolls a skill rap mechanic cats thrill on crap romantic
And perhaps panic real stuff hit their ears sink like the Titanic
Like a trooper use wise means to supervise schemes and antics
Look I be free living as degrees are given me from college because
I have some knowledge and take complex looks at textbook and pause
On some chapters about rappers

^wtf is that:/thanks willa i see it i put a extra word by mistake so far i got really good feedback on this

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i liked this cali, alot of truth in that piece...
overall hope it works out for ya...pc