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Old 03-03-07, 06:25 PM   #1
Paranoid
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The Neglected Emo

IP: 2372 BC06

Yea I'm gettin my buddy to beat box for me and I'm gonna record this into a big song. 38 lines of a solid story I just wrote up in 30 minutes.

The Neglected Emo ft. Bomok

One day I was walkin down the halls of my school
I seen a fat emo bitch thinkin she was cool
She tried to deny her fam without any thought
She decided to slit her wrists; but when she got caught
Her parents grounded her and cut her off the sweets
So she said she would commit suicide like a freak
She’d eat because shes fat and she’s fat because she eats
A lonely little girl with no boyfriend to cheat
She was a failure to life, all because of her choice
And when she chose to talk nobody heard her voice
She claimed she was dumb because she had no friends
And she had no friends cause she’s stupid in the head
Well the next day in class; she bled in her jeans
Everybody laughed so she fled from the scene
In the corner of the hall; alone when denyin’
So the principal asked her why she was cryin’
She said nothin so he sent home from school
He must have understood that she wasn’t really cool
She had the long cuts of a suicidal person
She was smirkin’ because Slip-knot was her idol
After the principal sent her home a man stopped her
He offered her a ride, she said no so he shocked her…
With a stun gun, he dragged her to the back of the van
He drove her to his place; A very domestic man
And all he wanted was pussy from this girl named Anne
Without any protection he fucked her like a ram
He kept her for a couple more days for his pleasure
All her family searchin like she’s a pirates treasure
The police knew em but they were unable to find him
His hide out was well distinct from all the world
But what he didn’t realize she was right behind him
And she had a bat in hand ready to swing at em’
She hit em to the ground, she burned his heart out
Dead in his own home; now all alone; so she left
Hopin for forgiveness cause she was religious
She cried out to god “I don’t wanna relive this”
So she walked all the way to the Broadway bridge
She cried out she would jump, but that was her fib.
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Last edited by Voltaire : 03-03-07 at 06:30 PM.
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Old 03-03-07, 06:30 PM   #2
Paranoid
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Last edited by Voltaire : 03-03-07 at 06:39 PM.
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Old 03-03-07, 09:50 PM   #3
scanz
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very wierd but original... why u would do something like this is out of my question... but some parts it was good... its a little hard to follow so i changed speeds in some parts to make it flow better. some rhymes basic.. some better then others... work on ur wording scheme... besides that this was an akward story telling time... lol. but still it made sense and got a little more interesting when she got kidnapped and killed that dude but still wouldnt kill her self..... i liked it... it was ok. keep up the good work.... and keep droping.
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Old 03-03-07, 10:30 PM   #4
Past Tense
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i really aint feelin this im bein 100 percent honest...iono the vocab is off and the story telling is kinda bad no offense..i think you should work on the whole scheme because some parts just didn't make sense
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Old 03-04-07, 06:00 PM   #5
Civil.
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yeh this shit was def. weird lol. You got a weird mind son. and really it wasn't all
that impressive. i mean you were very basic. no good vocabulary. but you wrote a good story...with a different topicc..therefor it was worth the read. cuz i'm hi and i don't care..but yea for a 30 min key. i'd have to say this was ok..
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Old 03-05-07, 10:08 PM   #6
Paranoid
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word thanks for the feed. But nah i didnt write this because I'm insane. Just emo's sicken me.
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Old 03-05-07, 10:40 PM   #7
iRRaTioNaL
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its definately different, coulda been more complex, it reminds me of something on the linkin park board style wise, granted its a keystyle tho it got better all the way through, since you was introducin tha character at first.. just need to deepen that skill a bit and bring it all together....

my fav lines:

And all he wanted was pussy from this girl named Anne
Without any protection he fucked her like a ram
He kept her for a couple more days for his pleasure
All her family searchin like she’s a pirates treasure


keep spittin em man
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Old 03-06-07, 10:45 PM   #8
P.A.
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I LIKE THE STORY LINE U SHOULD WRITE BOOK LOL,AND WHAT WITH THE NAME http://community.rapverse.com/newth...o=newthread&f=5
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Old 03-06-07, 10:53 PM   #9
P.A.
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This Was Crazy Lol, But The Story Line Was Nice, But U Should , Write Books
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Old 03-06-07, 11:35 PM   #10
Paranoid
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lol no way i dont wanna write books, aint my thing cuz but thanks for the looks yall
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