this is the first verse of my first song so check it out and get back

Yo when me and my niggaz get in the streat and straight ride/
ya betta hope our paths dont collide/
ya betta slide aside/
cause the gats we provide/
straight make ya flesh divide/
havin ya skin rip open/
havin ya hopin/
that we gonna leave/
so ya pain can be relieved/
but i got a knife up my sleave/
and i gotta make a nigga bleed/
cause ima evil seed/
sent from hell/
but it's ya'll city i dwell/
i be up in a motel/
harassin niggas on my cell/
then i catch a nigga in a dark street/
grab a big ass knife and start tearin off meat/
sheet by sheet/
laya by laya/
im the ill rhyme saya/
thats also a human slaya/
ill just grab a gat and spray ya/
cause i dont give a fuck/
im too happy ta get a nigga stuck/

chorus 2x
im an evil seed sent from the devil/
i murda niggas on any level/
im straight not givvin a fuck/
straight gettin niggas stuck/
and ya know what yall just straight givin it up/

aight.........
here it is.........

not a bad drop but you definately have to work on elevating...

concentrate on extending your lines... as it is now everything seems "nursery ryhmish"

also... when writing songs try to pick a deeper subject matter...
people are tired of reading about I'ma do this and then I'ma do that...
ya know...

so keep elevating...

work on these things and drop your next song in the open mic forum


***useless posts in this thread have been deleted***

Agreed.....be ORIGINAL. Too many cats talkin bout being "gangsta" and "gun-clappas" when they still 14, work at McDonalds, and live with their mommy and daddy. The only "gun" these kids have busted was a super soaker for their 10th birthday...LOL....

Enuff wit the funny shit....Ya need to elevate like mad...listen in school....study words if you have to...THIS WILL HELP YOU RISE TO NEW LEVELS. Then like Chrit said....drop up in open mic with ya next song....holla back...an I'll see ya how improved....

__________________
"Knowledge is intelligence. Intelligence is power. Mind is music, but music is forever." - Trip Marxx

<font color="red"><font face="comic sans"><center>An you thought I was wack?</center></font>

<h2><font color="blue"><center>-- Merkin You One Line At A Time --</font></center></h>


<center>www.soundclick.com/tripmarxx</center>

yo.....all i have to say...is keep extending your lines......i know i try to.....cause i still try to extend

YOU SUCK! PZ

What Chrit Said Was Spot On...What I Like To See On Shit Like This Is A Constant Flow With Lines That Are On Point...Not Ones That Just To Fill...Try To Keep It On Point...

Move this to Open Mic.


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