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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
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02-10-04, 10:27 AM
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#1
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Banned: Spamming
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...III...The End...
IP:
...III... ..This is how it all started... After the skies fell, the sun ignited with the live shells of atomic bomb brightness … only one survived it. Peep Twilight Zones encased in the cage of my mind’s well Safe in my basement, on the matrix under the rhyme’s spell To enter a world of screams, flesh steamin’ and fried smells Of human meat, burning, turning to blisters of bluish-green Eyes fell on the horrid tapestry drawn with morbid mastery a global catastrophe of sordid, horrible tragic scenes of the dead and dying. Casket fiends, all itchin’ for fixes sickened with rickets, sad to see so many beheaded lying passed the children, ash-black and under collapsin buildin's cats blasted flat, massive killins victims to Haz-Mat spillin's. I walked the devestation I was then facin’ with amazement At the faces of the races with their outer skin chaffing… Passed the burning baby to a little girl palming her guts. Screaming in between short intervals of vomiting pus. She collided with me frantic and was thrown to the ground and in a panic...released her vital organs over her gown. I’m no doctor, so I could only watch the violence ensue As she died screaming at the feet of my shiniest shoes Why was I the only one alive? The only one to witness These visions I was drenched in...I almost want to die. But I’m still livin’. Is it only to frame their limits of pain? While not able to visit and limit it and get into their brains? If your family jumps in the sea, would you follow them down? Well, would I be alone? Would I have to hear them drown? Spirits speak to me as I walk thru the streets discretely Seeing bodies stacked neatly in designs I find sublime My mind hides my cries under a mask of compassion Bask in their thrasing, to offer a comforting eye… But what is the price? Soon my soul’s burning with guilt Under the gaze of a human race, roastin’ eternally still While I watch from above with eyes of monotonous love As they burn safely afar, their skins so hot to the touch Have I not had enough? I scream for death to come take me... NOW!! Listening to the world’s screams as their raging... LOUD!! Where’s the radioactive residue to cause medical damage to my epidermis, warping my skeletal canvas?! But I’m the only one alive! And it seems they know it My mask begins to crack with pieces of pain showin’ They come slowly, most dying before they can reach me Moaning weakly, that if only they could, they would be me... It’s not easy, believe me, I’ve learned to worship death Rather than be alive among the dying while in perfect health They soon reach me, and flood me with their bloody pleas "Help us!" "Help us, buddy please!" It’s all up to me! I look up to see a countless number, and all my family I happily lept into the waves, and the safety of insanity… ..For those who have been following this..I just wanted to say Thank you!... If you missed the first two..Click~Click.. ...I... ...II... Last edited by Penskills : 02-10-04 at 10:32 AM. |
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02-10-04, 10:42 AM
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#2
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Guest
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IP:
Hmm...
Imagery was the strong point... It was your best image portraying piece that ive read... And as its a story... That is what matters... You will get herbs come in here who wont read this and just go... 'O yeh... Dope... Fuck you penskills... Im so jealous... Wish a could write like this...' And the few herbs that do read it... Will go... Why doesnt it rhyme in some places... Well... The reason is this idiots... ITS A STORY... Pen... You have set the level for OM's... Ive tried... But as of yet... Ive not beat you... Some of my pieces have been better than some of yours... As im sure you will admit... But ive not reached this standard... YET... Cant give you any more than my respect... Which is what you have earnt now... Well Done... Glad your epic is finally finished... Lol... Enjoy it everyone... Pen... Check my Chapter Two tomorrow... Thanks... Pz... Last edited by Freeman : 02-10-04 at 11:08 AM. |
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02-10-04, 10:45 AM
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#3
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Banned: Spamming
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IP:
Quote:
^GAy reply..... |
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02-10-04, 11:05 AM
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#4
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Banned: Spamming
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IP:
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^thanks for the breakdown...and yes..I probaly will get some people who won't read this and just say "this was dope" which is kind of sad..since I put alot of work into this..anyway..I thank you for your breakdown on every single one of my pieces...and always remember..you are my favorite young grasshopper! |
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02-10-04, 10:48 AM
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#5
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"The Eleete"
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IP:
NICE..........Great way to end the EPIC SAGA...........it was great.............once again the imagery was great..........your structure............your narration was flawless..........great read man..........always glad to read stuff like this...........nice how you went back to the whole beginning.............keep it up man.......peace!
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02-10-04, 10:51 AM
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#6
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Anti Drug=Pre-marital Sex
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IP:
ooh shit...this third installment definitely topped it off and was fucking amazing...the part about the little girl palming her guts/vomiting puss....dude imagery was far better in this one... i don't even know what to say really...i'm extremely impressed and it takes a lot to get me there but damn...this 3 part was definitely worth reading through and through...hope we can do a collabo sometime...pz
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<img src="http://www.rhymevantage.com/forum/attachment.php?s=&postid=7548"> |
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02-10-04, 10:56 AM
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#7
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Banned: Spamming
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IP:
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^Dope...Thanks... |
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02-10-04, 10:56 AM
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#8
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Guest
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IP:
Edited hoe^
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02-10-04, 01:41 PM
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#9
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New to RB
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IP:
Well now being new i'm not really sure who is who. But i dont give much to kissing up over keeping it real. With that...I thought the imagery was superb the actual meaning of this is clear. The concept was tight (I've not read the first two but they shall be up'd pretty soon if they are as good as this). The word usage was unique in the sense that you choose to go off and to my actual surprise you kept my full attention and unless I'm wrong you didnt use a single cuss word. I'm through...too much respect due and seeing as I'm new not enough to give. One
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Rev 12:11 - Use your voice...  
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02-10-04, 02:50 PM
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#10
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Banned: Spamming
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IP:
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^great honest reply..thanks~~~~~~~~~ |
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02-10-04, 03:02 PM
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#11
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Flyweight
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IP:
Very nice piece - you already know you're flow and vocab is nice. In this piece and the series as a whole you've portrayed the story very vividly - which is what I was talking about when I responded to your other piece. When I read this I feel like you were actually in this condition and writing things down as they happen. Your descriptions are vibrant - they come alive. In "X" it felt more like you were a historian recording past happenings - it just didn't strike me as being your pain - seemed more like a news report. Anyway nice work again.
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02-10-04, 03:05 PM
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#12
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Here's Lookin At You Kid
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IP:
damn pen ...this was a great epic....
imagry was off the hook here.....your flow and consistancy were good too... liked the wordplay.....the verses started off nicely....i followed each piece and it all made sense in a way....this was good shit....i was kinda waitin for it after the last one....nice dope ass piece....keep at it dawg....and hey....love is a very touchy subject....my verse on that with Credz....was the line amount he wanted i would have had lots more to say!....it would'a got very dark...im sure you can fatham the idea.... 8.5/10 peace
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<Center><table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>.:Corrupted Visions:.</table></Center> |
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02-10-04, 03:26 PM
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#13
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Guest
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IP:
Don't lie you were waiting for my response so you can validate your existence. well it was dope. Keep up tha jolly work ol chap
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02-10-04, 04:31 PM
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#14
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_-Lucky Rabbits Foot-_
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IP:
well Penskillz... your name says it all...
what can I say about this to critisize it... nothing actually this was so dope I Can't think of enough dope words to explain it.... nah really tho Imagery wus just thugged out lol the girl droppin organs form her gown completly seen it in my head... it flowed very nicely didnt rhyme at parts but I understand why... damn man I wanna get a collab wit you soon Pm Me... GREAT WORK... _-SyaNidal-_
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_-Current Battles-_
SyaNidal \v/ Diverse _-Open Mics-_
....Tragic..Death..I.... ....Tragic..Death..II....  _-::.CorruptedVisionz.::-_
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02-10-04, 05:12 PM
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#15
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Middle Weight
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IP:
A great way to top it off and finish up the trilogy.
"After the skies fell, the sun ignited with the live shells of atomic bomb brightness … only one survived it." Another hooking opener and I happened to like the little....interlude....in the middle. Nothing like interrupting the piece for a question. Dope touch. Then again, there is nothing quite like hiding behind the realms of insanity after destroying your own world. |
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