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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
02-09-05, 12:28 PM
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#1
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Odi et Amo
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Shadow
IP: 55DA 11D0
He controls my every move, although I feel I am my own boss But deep inside, I know my mind is playing tricks on me I am not free to think what I want, to live how I want He is the reason He lives my life I try, oh dear God, I try to get away but my chains won't let me I choke I am sure he means trouble but an obscure part of me refuses to believe Drowning in all the tears I shed Infatuated with love Blinded by the lights Even a stoic needs to reveal his deepest emotions but he is different Sometimes I doubt he is a human being Rageful eyes, ready to kill with one simple look The urge to crush someone gives him such power Higher than the world, no more weakness Immortality No one can harm him, no compassion, he is nothing but a bitter cold man His heart has been replaced with an icey rock Not even the hottest sun could make it melt Darkness And yet I believe he is weak, I see it in his eyes, if only for one second In search of his reality Drama happens inside the core . . . Life is easy, it's the people who make it hard
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Authentik Intelligence  ...The future is mine... |
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02-09-05, 06:30 PM
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#2
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Back....
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IP: 5547 B131
This is good but it needs to rhymes. Makes it much better but it was still nice. check mines out.
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Back..... |
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02-09-05, 07:22 PM
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#3
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...
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IP: CF4E 8780
i like this alot it had alot of emotion in it ... it does not need to rhyme its fine how it is nice work keep it com'n
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02-10-05, 05:40 AM
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#4
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Middle Weight
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IP: 0825 899A
dis was a good piece girl, aint seen nuttin recent from u......i was feelin dis from top to bottom, good vocab n rhythm...u need to drop more shit in da Open Mic tho girl.............overrall 8.5/10
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02-10-05, 06:21 AM
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#5
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Odi et Amo
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IP: 7865 B198
Thanks for feedback...
@ Legend: none of my poems rhyme, that's just my style I guess Btw, make sure you drop links so I can return the feedback... DQ
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Authentik Intelligence ...The future is mine... |
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02-10-05, 10:05 PM
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#6
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Is F'in Bored
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IP: A4E7 A821
whoo shit girl it got too deep for me around the time you started drowning in your tears. that was some real shit right there. and no it didn't have to rhyme to be ill. Those was some real feelings of love right there. feeling you still control you when everyone's tellin you, you ain't in control. The tears and the blindness especially. Hot dog looking forward to the next one. (and hot dog as in that was hot....dog no i'm not from tennesee)
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02-11-05, 05:21 AM
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#7
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Odi et Amo
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IP: 8897 D81D
^Thanks for feedback, much appreciated...Feedback will be returned for sure...Glad you liked it...
DQ
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Authentik Intelligence ...The future is mine... |
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02-11-05, 12:17 PM
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#8
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Rastafari Walk Tall
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IP: 4037 18E4
weerd girl....tight drop
structure....needs work..all over the page and shit if u feel me..kinda off-puttin im liking how it doesn't rhyme...makes it more real, like sumin u would just say and thus the emotion feels more raw......imagery came through nicely...gd vocab RTF-links in sig fam Peace THE JURY -AC
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"His Imperial Majesty Haile Selassie I, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, King of Kings of Ethiopia and Elect of God" Blog Graphic Designer, Illustrator, Web Designer |
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02-11-05, 12:44 PM
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#9
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Odi et Amo
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IP: 3E91 F3D5
^The structure was done like that to express confusion and highlight some things, ya feel meh? But I can see where you coming from...
Thanks for feedback y'all... DQ
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Authentik Intelligence ...The future is mine... |
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02-11-05, 12:53 PM
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#10
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Rastafari Walk Tall
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IP: 4037 18E4
^^^oh k cool i feel you....
thats the thing about Poems some things will always be personal to the writer unless stated.......
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"His Imperial Majesty Haile Selassie I, Conquering Lion of the Tribe of Judah, King of Kings of Ethiopia and Elect of God" Blog Graphic Designer, Illustrator, Web Designer |
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02-11-05, 12:58 PM
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#11
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Odi et Amo
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IP: 3E91 F3D5
That's something I love about poems, there are no rules or restrictions whatsoever. It doesn't have to rhyme, doesn't have to flow. It's totally up to you and how you want to see your poem coming together.
Kept it simple with this poem so people would focus on the emotion and different levels the poem includes. Probably best if you read it few times to fully grasp the meaning...(I always read a poem couple of times in fact) DQ
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Authentik Intelligence ...The future is mine... |
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02-13-05, 03:59 PM
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#12
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Odi et Amo
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IP: B88E FC4F
...Uppity up...Feedback will be returned!No doubt about it!
DQ
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Authentik Intelligence ...The future is mine... |
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02-15-05, 01:42 AM
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#13
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A Reflection Of The Past
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IP: ABE5 5A5C
poems do not need to rhyme .thats the beauty of poetry its where your mind takes you,,,,anyways
dramaqueen your wording was off in parts but the vocab and imagery was fine,you could of added more emotion but this was a decent read
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Crhyme Sindicate
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02-17-05, 04:11 PM
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#14
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Odi et Amo
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IP: A19F D079
^Thanks for feedback...
Upping for more! DQ
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Authentik Intelligence ...The future is mine... |
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02-27-05, 02:28 AM
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#15
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IP: 93C0 D1DD
Damn Girl This Was A Good Piece Some Dope Ish, What You Be Thinking About When You Be Writing This Kind Of Ish?? Wow! Nice, Desriptive Nice, Always The Best Part Of Poems Description And You Had It....10/10 |
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