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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
02-16-04, 03:19 PM
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#1
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I Used To Pray
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CV- I exist...
IP: C981 E40F
I exist...
blue - Boy Red - grandpa What to grip...other then the image of my divine fibs Going through a shape shift...like a vortex on fine tips Reading through my old transpripts...thinking "do I exist" I thrust my fist...at any one who attemps to blame my lisp for not understanding me...i derserve an apology... I drop my pen in quantitys...lookin for modesty listining to harmony... i exsist...constantly "Grandpa...what do you have for me" "its a book kid...its somethen you gotta see.. Ive been hearing you dont beleive..." "what" "you know what i mean...your confused.." "probably" Im lost man...i dont know where i am, i can barely stand its like im concrete...but yet sinking through the land Who am i...I write because i like to lie...i dont cry the last time i told my self ide shed a tear... .....was when you died My minds fried...i repeat who am I "Im still hear...kid..." "Why do you still call me that" "Its my way of saying you do exist even if things go bad" "No you dont understand...things are better... then theyve ever been" "then whats wrong...if your going strong... "its not... that im going strong its that all my ive been caught... what am i hear for...i have the mind of an adult..but im a kid" "Then your asking me the truth huh... "Do I..." "You Exist"
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Corrupted Visions Last edited by Topic : 02-16-04 at 03:22 PM. |
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02-16-04, 03:23 PM
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#2
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I Used To Pray
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IP: C981 E40F
i couldnt get the ending to come out perfectly...sorry
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02-16-04, 03:28 PM
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#3
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Banned: Spamming
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IP: 4779 5259
I like this...good story..I thought the ending was pretty decent..no need to fuss...you are a good storyteller...great imagery!
Im lost man...i dont know where i am, i can barely stand its like im concrete...but yet sinking through the land ^I have felt like that many times!!!!! Good job! |
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02-16-04, 03:43 PM
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#4
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I Used To Pray
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IP: C981 E40F
thanx man
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02-16-04, 09:37 PM
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#5
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I Used To Pray
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IP: C981 E40F
uppin for feedback
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02-16-04, 09:45 PM
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#6
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_-Lucky Rabbits Foot-_
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IP: CF61 4449
yo topic this was tru illness man...
very dope keep it up... Im lovin the imagery on this and the vocab wus tight... I got a good perspective to this from the imagery and vocab and it flow very well stay at it with the dopeness... and peep my 2 latest links in my sig... and probly ont he front or second page They are... ....Tragic..Death.... and ....Tragic..Death....(II)
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_-Current Battles-_
SyaNidal \v/ Diverse _-Open Mics-_
....Tragic..Death..I.... ....Tragic..Death..II....  _-::.CorruptedVisionz.::-_
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02-16-04, 09:58 PM
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#7
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New to RB
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IP: 04AB D2D7
you got skillz man...don't let nobody tell you different and I won't either
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Biggie was always better than Pac, ready to die vs tupacolypse now which was better |
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02-16-04, 10:04 PM
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#8
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_-Lucky Rabbits Foot-_
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IP: CF61 4449
i see you replied to part I of my story...
if you didnt notice Part II is already up...
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_-Current Battles-_
SyaNidal \v/ Diverse _-Open Mics-_
....Tragic..Death..I.... ....Tragic..Death..II.... _-::.CorruptedVisionz.::-_
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02-17-04, 07:17 AM
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#9
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I Used To Pray
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IP: C981 E40F
ok man ill check it out...thanx
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02-17-04, 04:13 PM
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#10
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I Used To Pray
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IP: C981 E40F
why is this getting slept on again....upp this
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02-17-04, 04:28 PM
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#11
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"The Eleete"
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IP: 0630 0104
I like this piece........it was real good.............you do a great job in telling the story on this piece........good job.......your imagery was great an the conversation back an forth between the boy an his grandpa was a nice touch...........great job
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02-17-04, 04:37 PM
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#12
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..Soft Focus..
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IP: 1B3B C284
^^nice pic lol
Good piece topic. i enjoyed the read. very unique I enjoyed the line about sinking through the land. very accademic and unique. a lot of good vocab good flow and a good consistant picture of emotion well done.
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Open Mics The Weathers Art http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=108673 My Teenage Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...threadid=104850 Secluded http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...851#post1148851 Open Your Eyes http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...461#post1157461 |
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02-17-04, 04:58 PM
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#13
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I Used To Pray
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IP: C981 E40F
thanx man
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02-17-04, 05:01 PM
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#14
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Word.
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IP: 9058 C066
I agree this was a real nice piece man....everything seemed to be good in this....the structure was good.....the flow in it was nice, it stayed on point through out the entire piece.....you had good vocab in this....overall a nice read....keep at it.
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02-17-04, 08:54 PM
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#15
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I Used To Pray
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IP: C981 E40F
thanx for the feedback...lets get a little bit more...tell me how to improve
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