Round 1

10 Line Min.
20 Line Max.
Due: Tuesday, September 2nd.


Topic: The Rat Race

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hmmmmmmmmmmm the rat race huh? Okay lets get started then this is my check in and i'm just putting in words to fufill the 100 character rule you know so ummmmm i guess this should be about enough but if not then check in.................................
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a sturdy douse of dirty reality
reems me and leaves me tossed from fantasy

as i travel tattered babbling ballads
the economies malice shatters my talent

fitful dreams of baby screams echo in my sleep
a somber 'beep' awakens me before i fall to deep

three weeks no slumber not a name but a number
lack of funds has my wallets face long and somber

it's a slow paced race to the finish
where the victor is the loser lost in societies menace

9 to 5 6 to 6 twenty four hours a day
barely awake i work a sweat for a slave wage

it's a struggle in this lost land of tyranny
cynically i willingly break my body diligently

imagine if you could slinging steel for hours at end
this rat couldn't give back if god really was a friend

and so on i continue with the strength of none
this loaded code of work ethic set upon me by birth of a son

the finish line is near but the path becomes blurry
it's hard to find the meaning of life when you're in such a hurry

^ DirtySouthChick is removed from the tourny. I am declaring her a no show.. Hmm.. who to add.. who to add.. I say it's long over due for the return of.. N-Demik

__________________
<center><br>
- The End -
Original Rb Admin
And Still Watching Over You. <br> <img src=http://home.houston.rr.com/tacofox/epenis222.gif></img><br> -An Original RB Member: Yes, We're That Much Better-

Eh Whatever..... The End Put Me Here On His Own Accord... Bastard...

Nice Verse prophitt..

Sir Conformist Defeatest, Mr. White Collar With Vain Greetings
Behind Against The Mirror Image, Fondling Pending Sage Dreamings
Breathing Exertion, Balancing Those 8 Hours Along The Little Hand
Clockwork Confusion..Temptation's Labor Oasis Grows..Ripple Expands
Till It Spans The Kismet Rippling Along With Your Sense Of Living
Your Satisfaction Shuns You, Motivation When Earning The Rent You're Giving
Too Late To Repent Decisions, The No-One Ahead Of You Retributes
Civillisation, As You Execute Time Wasting As Though It Was Intentional
Another 24 Hours In The Rat Race, Chasing Formidability To The Line
With That Crook In Your Spine, Pursuiting The Light... Until It Dies
Like Your Soul, Calloused Hands, Ragged Feet, Declare Damaged Goods
Heart On Your Sleeve, Sleeve In The Machine, Machine Of The Fiend
Tempting Rhetorics.. Coursing As To Whether Your Heart Was In It
Tarnished Spirit As If Personal Gain Was Crafted For The Fearless
Weariless Artisan Calisthenics, Perish Within Urban Traffic Times
Burning Desire Replaces Happy Smiles, Sole..! Watching The Fire Fly
This Constructed From The 3rd Perspective Of The Hell Im Monopolizing
As The Rose Lighting Shuts Out All Of Those Ecstatic Tidings
I Must Have Erratic Wiring.. Big Brother Commited Us To Fill Fate
And The Moral Of The Story Is That..... ...We All Still Wake!

a wonderful choice end..will sand be entering as well

overall you both showed your talent for sure...vocabulary
imagery..all that good stuff...enjoyable to read as well...
these will all be tough ones for the judges but they're
all gonna come correct whenever the decisions are
finally made for these battles...skill representations...
hard to actually call these battles but they're
great to read...like the rhetorical insights forum
that nobody ever goes to...poet scripts is the best forum...

both of you..well done

*dies*
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.
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This is soooo tough. Two of the best pieces Ive come across so far in judging, they just had to be up against one another.

Prophiit~
WOW. After reading this verse, I'm wondering where the hell you have been all this time, or why I haven't seen more of you, it was fuckin brilliant, I think I enjoyed it a little TOO much even..
I know it would take me some time to figure out what to do with a topic such as "The Rat Race", but damn I don't think there could be a better way to execute it than how you did (altho n-demik makes for some rough competition).

:a sturdy douse of dirty reality
reems me and leaves me tossed from fantasy

:as i travel tattered babbling ballads
the economies malice shatters my talent

>Those lines are nothing short of amazing. Really incredibly written and perfect way to open up your concept.

:fitful dreams of baby screams echo in my sleep
a somber 'beep' awakens me before i fall to deep

three weeks no slumber not a name but a number
lack of funds has my wallets face long and somber

>Great imagery, really easy to feel the "tiredness", physically and emotionally of the character...Nice personification in the latter part, the long and somber face of the wallet...good stuff.

:it's a slow paced race to the finish
where the victor is the loser lost in societies menace

9 to 5 6 to 6 twenty four hours a day
barely awake i work a sweat for a slave wage

>Really just gives you a better sense of what its like to be in this guy's shoes..so that ultimately the reader can feel more for him and be moved by his plight, as I was.

:it's a struggle in this lost land of tyranny
cynically i willingly break my body diligently

imagine if you could slinging steel for hours at end
this rat couldn't give back if god really was a friend

>More descritpion of the struggle..The perfect amount and type of information needed..Nicely chosen words in the first part and powerful reference to God in the latter..

:and so on i continue with the strength of none
this loaded code of work ethic set upon me by birth of a son

>Now we see why this man stays in the race.

:the finish line is near but the path becomes blurry
it's hard to find the meaning of life when you're in such a hurry

^Best line of it all, and I feel one of the best lines of the poem should always be the ending one. I think this piece speaks for itself, theres great use of vocab, alliteration, personification, symbolism, so many things contributing to the greatness of this piece. I REALLY was moved by this, I just loved it, It was brilliant, I have a new found respect for you and commend you for producing such a beautiful piece.
Overall, I give this a 9.5

N-Demik~
A second verse as equally impactful and well written as the previous, Rook-E, one of the few people I feel could offer up a verse equivalent to the prowess of the first one.

:Sir Conformist Defeatest, Mr. White Collar With Vain Greetings
Behind Against The Mirror Image, Fondling Pending Sage Dreamings
Breathing Exertion, Balancing Those 8 Hours Along The Little Hand
Clockwork Confusion..Temptation's Labor Oasis Grows..Ripple Expands

I liked the references in the first line, the sort of stereotypical label allowing the reader to really KNOW what kind of things the speaker deals with...everyone knows a "Mr. White Collar" and is familiar with his "vain greetings." I love the imagery of the ripple exanding in the second half, the symbolism , all fantastic.

:ill It Spans The Kismet Rippling Along With Your Sense Of Living
Your Satisfaction Shuns You, Motivation When Earning The Rent You're Giving
Too Late To Repent Decisions, The No-One Ahead Of You Retributes
Civillisation, As You Execute Time Wasting As Though It Was Intentional

^That is just amazingly written, you really just formed all the characteristics of being "trapped" in the race into perfect context with one another.."too late to repent decisions", I love that, really hard hitting for anyone who knows what its like to want to go back but cannot..and also the last line of the above quote, really portrays the agony yet at the same time, helplessness, of the person who has no choice but to "stay in the race."

:Weariless Artisan Calisthenics, Perish Within Urban Traffic Times
Burning Desire Replaces Happy Smiles, Sole..! Watching The Fire Fly
This Constructed From The 3rd Perspective Of The Hell Im Monopolizing
As The Rose Lighting Shuts Out All Of Those Ecstatic Tidings

^This might have been my favorite part. Just, I dont even know what to say about it, it's that damn good.

:I Must Have Erratic Wiring.. Big Brother Commited Us To Fill Fate
And The Moral Of The Story Is That..... ...We All Still Wake!

Nice, nice ending..I liked how your conclusion kind of brought to light the one positive thing you could find, if you even call waking up to a life like that positive, while prophiit's kind of mentioned the most negative thing, missing the meaning of life cuz of the rush. Contradiction at it's best.
Overall, I give this verse a 9.5.

Both verses had the same great tone/theme, yet both offered different aspects still.
MAD PROPS to both of you, I really honestly was moved by each work..This was a great topic with 2 great poets who just made it all that much better.
I really couldn't pick one winner, and seeing as I'm the first to vote on this particular battle, Im going to depend on the other judges to weigh in their 2 cents to the final decision.
Nice job fellas.

Very Good Verses From Both, N-Demik Nice To See You Back..
But Honestly, N-Demik Easily Took This One In My Eyes...
The Content Was , How May I Say.. 'DOPE' .. Like In All Aspects.
Demiks Verse Over-Rode Prophiits Verse, Prof Had A Nice Verse..
That May Have Beat Some Other Cats, But Not O N-Demik's Qulaity..

Vote: N-Demik

I think DaGyrl gave one of the best explained 'votes' in tourny history. She said everything perfectly. After everything though, I felt N-Demiks had more of an impact on me while reading. Both were very good, but N-Demik is moving on to Round 2. Prophiit, be sure to enter our next peotry tourny as I'm sure you will make it past the 1st round next time.

Vote - N-Demik.

__________________
<center><br>
- The End -
Original Rb Admin
And Still Watching Over You. <br> <img src=http://home.houston.rr.com/tacofox/epenis222.gif></img><br> -An Original RB Member: Yes, We're That Much Better-