I dont have suicidal tendencies....but im not ready 2 die

due 2 the fact that i have not accomplished everything
that i want 2 accomplish

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I can understand where you're coming from, I on the other hand am a very social person so I've got alot of support for my shit and a girlfriend who would do anything for me. Really, you've got to just go out of your way to meet people. Easiest way, join a sport... But small town people aren't going to try and meet you so YOU'VE got to approach them. And, don't think I'm just some preachy know-nothing, because I lived in a very populated city/suburb of Connecticut all of my life then right before going into freshman year of highschool my parents decided to move me 8 hours away to East Blue Hills Maine. The school had kids from 8 surounding towns going to it and still the student count hit a whapping 250. If you dont go after these people they wont let you in, trust me. Also, start running or exercising, again if you join a sport that would help gain some friend and would give you exercise. But, exercise is a natural anti-depressant. Exercise releases the same endorphans that anti-depressant medications force the brain to release, and there for it naturally fights off anxiety and depression. So, my advice man, really make an effort to get out there, even if you feel entirely awkward because once you make friends it will be well worth it... Besides, if you don't know anyone and you're non-existant than what does it matter if you make a fool out of yourself? Atleast you'll get the satisfaction of knowing you made a valid attempt at self improvement.

If you ever need some more advice feel free to get at me man, I've had to deal with a lot of emotional issues, so, I've got enough advice to write a novel and I'm always happy to help someone get there life back in order.

I used to have what Myself and Gladiator are talking about. That certain outlook on life... "No matter what I do in thsi life, it won't matter. Nothing will ever matter. This life is so short, and so pointless, if I died right now it wouldn't make a difference. I am so insignificant. etc."

But since then i've learnt a lot. I've learnt to enjoy life, because life is amazing. The fact that I exist is something that makes me happy. It might sound stupid, but it is a lot more complicated than it sounds.

A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger. He fled, the tiger after him. Coming to a precipice, he caught hold of the root of a wild vine and swung himself down over the edge. The tiger sniffed at him from above. Trembling, the man looked down to where, far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him. Only the vine sustained him.

Two mice, one white and one black, little by little started to gnaw away the vine. The man saw a luscious strawberry near him. Grasping the vine with one hand, he plucked the strawberry with the other. Delicious!

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I don't feel insignificant, I just have a condition that makes it feel as if I'm not alive called Derealization. It's not that I feel insignificant, it's that each day I have to fight for a sense of what "real" is, and some days it's just very hard for me to constantly remind myself that this IS life and I just spend the day in my room trying to sleep of a day. It's pathetic really, but I've got too much talent to let myself slip into never-was. Some days it's too much to handle and I slip into my own pecimism, and picture a future where I'm going to be lost in sub-concious and I'm afraid I'm slowing slipping into insanity, but I can always count on tomarrow for a better today. Everyday is a battle, you win some and lose some but there's no such thing as a casualty in a battle with self unless you let there be. So I'm living.

Nothing actually matters... If you enjoy sleeping through days, go for it. If it makes you depressed then dont do it.

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yea werd thanx for the advice....i've become VERY lost in life...lol trust me i mean LOST...just about the most lost u can get...i was gon start working out anyway but i didnt know it helped wit ur depression
i'll defintly try workin out now

It doesn't make me happy, it's nothing more than an easy way out. It makes me happy when I go out and push myself and get a panic attack, but am able to work my way through it and be fine because I feel acomplished afterwards and I know I'm getting closer to conquoring my anxiety dissorder... But sometimes I don't have the energy for that, so I quit, and sleep, and wait until I'm stronger enough to handle my shit head on.

yea life is all about conqouring ur obstacles...i mean i may be depressed but im tryin ta get out of it all...even though i dont feel like doin nuthin but just
layin on my ass watchin tv drowning in my depression like i usually do
i used ta write and record shit of my own but like i said for the past few months i been completly spiritually dead i just couldnt hang on to it no more
and like i said before when u feel worthless u dont have the heart ta do nuthin so i cant write without just losin ALL hope
so my emptyness is getting in the way of draining my depression
lol i can get a lil complicated but because of what i said
i quit writing and recording until i can get a steady focus on life again
hip hop is a reflection of self....how can u be a emcee if u got nuthin ta reflect off of...know what i mean

'Sad how bad times make good music
Hope I can maintain this great depression
and leave myself guessing if I can out do the former until the end' - Alias

Keep writing, it's a good form of therapy aswell.

yea but u gotta believe in urself when u write...and i have NO belief in myself
at this point almost everything i do is worthless untill i can get myself into a position where anything is worth it

Maybe posting some shit everyone feels and getting some props will help you find a sense of worth in yourself.

yea defintnly...that could easily help...part of it is cuz nobodys around ta see my rhymes, yes im a closet rapper...but not cuz im shy but cuz like the town im in doesnt do ANYTHING wit music so im the only one doin music out of 10,000 people in the town...and when u come from a small town everybody knows everybody and if u dont their atleast related to somebody u know.
so u know how people gon react ta shit i been keepin my rhymes and everything to myself and to whatever site i go on ta protect myself from people thinkin im just fucked up and shit cuz i got enough shit ta deal wit everything else the way things is..if i was in a spot where it was more accepted or i knew it wasnt gonna be a problem tellin people here that i write
then i wouldnt mind but i know how the people would be here
but yea i could start droppin shit..that'll defitnly help

I wish I could explain to you guys the way I feel... It's so easy to be happy, it just depends on the state of your mind. If you look at things with a clear mind, you'll see them as they are and be content. If you look at things with a pessemistic mind, you'll see things in a negative light. Feelings arent things that just happen, you make them happen with the way you think.

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nope. i am too fearful of the afterlife.

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March 26 1995, we remember