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| Phenom | Kingz | Dabatos | TonySelf | Tha Q | Half Breed | Tito | 7th End | RV Radio  |
06-27-08, 10:59 PM
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#1
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New to RV
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Believe?
IP: ACAB 0A18
this was a piece i wrote a long while back, short piece, enjoy and leave links
Believe? Darkness engulfs my life's sky, without a trace of light Sorrow eclipses the already dimmed moon at night Rays of the sun are ceased, joy and bliss, now deceased Time is at a freeze, I'm trapped in a world of displeased Nothing but melancholic souls remain on the surface Yet muffled, joyous cries of felicity still linger and lust Angels above witness with unbelieving eyes of wistfulness That demonic entities observe with intentions of the cruelest Only our savior can help, he simply refuses to save us I won't believe and trust, burdens he won't relieve and thus, Am I responsible for the diminishing spiral this realm thrusts? Are the angels, demons, & savior nonexistent? If so, I am just In an Earth full of deceit, to whom is one to believe? A god of unseen truths? I'd rather live my life free
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06-27-08, 11:06 PM
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#2
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New to RV
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IP: ACAB 0A18
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post3219620
http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post3219624
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Last edited by Mauvais Loup : 06-27-08 at 11:15 PM. |
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06-30-08, 10:24 AM
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#3
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don't try.
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IP: EBB4 6039
Pretty decent piece Jay, it could had been a bit longer. It had some good imagery. The words were well chosen, vocab was on point. Flow was ok, you coulda threw in some multi's to make it flow better. But that was the only real flaw, but the rest of the piece made up for it. Props dude, keep writin
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Fear |
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07-01-08, 04:42 AM
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#4
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Within Eternity's Wither
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IP: 2799 F4A7
I'll leave feed when i get off of work.
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crhyme sindicate
Open Mic Hall Of Famer |
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07-01-08, 08:42 PM
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#5
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New Jack
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IP: 758C 908A
wow... for a small piece, this was done very cleverly,,
the word usage / vocab deliverance was composed nice and the rhetorical questions at the end of your verse were a nice addition to this piece...
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LPMNDCTE The B.E.S.T. Crew .................. |
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07-01-08, 11:25 PM
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#6
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New to RV
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IP: 3E84 3658
thanks for the feed. up.
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07-21-08, 09:43 PM
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#7
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New to RV
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IP: FF41 D6C0
Like the last piece I read here, your wording was alright but there could have been a much better rhymescheme. Just felt that your syllable rhyming was a bit elementary man. Emotionally, this was an alright read. Some alright imagery here and there -- nothing to visual though. It flowed decently and with some elevation. You can be better with time man. Keep writing and elevating.
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'Your chances are as good as the flip of a coin.' 2x PS HOF |
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07-25-08, 12:25 AM
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#8
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A Life Of Chryme
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IP: 934F A17A
This piece is the cliche for the phrase "short yet sweet". Well done...Your flow was created beautifully..with Great multie rhyming with the end/beginning of lines...followed by exceptional vocab..pretty elegant piece...you got your point across greatley fam....though i feel imagery was not really apparent in the verse...though it seems it was more an emotional piece seeing how u were trying to some what make a statement more than make us invision a story. 7/10 man...rtf to please
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A LIFE OF CHRYME |
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