Yo little do we know but were all livin to die,
weather it be alone or wit our gun by our side,
hear the gun shots outside,
wake up a baby so it starts to cry,
as the mother and father talk about leavin this town of crime,
while gun shots ring random at any time,
and all the sudden a bullet come through the dry wall,
take the father out quick and they have to watch him die cause they cant make the call,
cause they got disconnected 5 years ago,
when the babys father was a pimp and her mom was a hoe,
they cared about eachother more than they would show,
and loved each other more than anyone would ever know,
and as the father lay there dieing the wife drops to her knees,
holding him up with her boney hands and beggs the lord please,
and as she goes to sleep that night,
she hopes to wake up with him by her side,
this is another reason were all just livin to die.
.
.
okay i wrote this peayce like 3 years ago and i actually posted it on Dec. 12th 03'...but they closed it for some reason so now im just looking for feed now...LINKS COMING!!

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Indeph Lyricalsolja you illy on the sickness tip.

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2608458

http://community.rapverse.com/showt...d=1#post2608465

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I Beat Up Asshole Fathers For Free

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Quote:

Originally Posted by Indeph Lyricalsolja you illy on the sickness tip.

It's ok but a big hint on poetry is not to use slang words like instead of be you put b and shit.

that drops poem's % down grips son.

^ I second that. This piece was very generic and underdeveloped the whole way through the piece. The vocabulary was just horrible. I mean, you can write with basic vocabulary but when you have all kinda of slang and grammatical errors and it doesnt some how relate to your concept then it just makes you look like a fool and you're poem boring to read. I mean, you started with 'Yo'... Lol, nooooooot the best way to lure in a reader. This felt more like a weak OM then poem. I dunno, keep trying though. I didnt really like anything in this... Sorry man, better luck next time.

It was more like a wierd rap verse than a poem.

Vocabulary was no good, a lot of slang and shit. You just didnt express your message very well... was there even a message? seemed like a story poem with a generic plot.

Its old though, so im sure youve improved by now. But damn -_-

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