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Old 07-23-06, 01:44 PM   #1
L.I.
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Text Record: 61-14
Touch - L.I. & LyricALI

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Touch
By: L.I. & LyricALI
A Quiet Storm Production

A river flows below my pupils. I slam the door
Each step down the stairs expresses my required support
He stole my heart. The robbery is still in progress
My hope is defeated. My end to life’s process
I slide into my trap and turn the ignition
My goal was flipping this machines position
The puddle on my windshield parallels my actions
Concluding my thoughts. I pray God will forgive this last sin
A thump on my door. “What do you want?” I asked him
These hopeless eyes connected as he lifted his hat brim
The downpour of rain and tears brought an angel to me
Retaining my life by repeating three words that soothed me
An unfolding journey remains. It is labeled as life
It would’ve been my end.. if that angel never came that night

Floating down the rivers bend
I feel the sorrow and pain slip
Away as a girls life begins to end
Thoughts of suicide begin to drip
As the sight of death starts to appear
The shades of darkness fades to light
As i inch closer to her only to see tears
I see the desperation in her take flight
As she picks up the something and begin
To slice, No part of this is right taking
Her own life, i knock on the window trim
I look inside and see that i am mistaken
Wet and shivering a gray expression untold
Pained emotions swirled in the nights glare
I reach out to touch her, n say "let life unfold"
Everything is over, you can awake from this nightmare

Part 1: L.I.
Part 2: LyricALI
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Last edited by L.I. : 07-23-06 at 01:51 PM.
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Old 07-23-06, 02:09 PM   #2
L.I.
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Old 07-23-06, 02:43 PM   #3
J. Luth
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aiight first thing I noticed. Both y'alls structures differ. lol I think L.I.'s was easier to read. althought both had dope story to them. first story was dope, with the angel saved my life part. some deep shit there. like I could picture the shit happening.

second was was tight too. the part about girl like lsitting her wrists i believe it was. and nice touch with the nightmare at end. liked that. good shit.

overall this is a tight lil drop. too short tho, wish y'all took it longer tho. lol

9.5/10 good shit f'real.

good luck with feed tho. nobody gives a shit about OM anymore. lol

RTF on audio track ~_~
http://community.rapverse.com/showthread.php?t=232068
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Old 07-23-06, 03:06 PM   #4
LyricALI
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Better OM them PS..
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Old 07-23-06, 03:37 PM   #5
LyricALI
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But hopefully we can bring some life back into PS
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Old 07-23-06, 05:48 PM   #6
atti?
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Personally I wasn't really feeling L.I.'s verse. It felt artificial to me with the way that he had such contrasting vocabulary. Often it was more simplistic but then with lines like:

A river flows below my pupils. I slam the door
Each step down the stairs expresses my required support


That just sounds so fake to me, like who would ever phrase it like that? Eh, just alot of the wording I took issue with, although it did flow... I'm more for content over rhyme scheme any day. As for Led, I liked your piece. More poetic approach, the rhyme scheme could have been beefed up a bit being as this is an Om. Aside from that you had a very natural and fluent verse that I felt was very emotive and clearly depicted you stance as L.I.'s character's support system, or object of desire or whatever. Overall, this was a decent collab but I didn't really feel like the two styles really meshed too well.
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Old 07-23-06, 05:58 PM   #7
L.I.
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=\ Thanks for reading and leaving feedback though! If you could explain what sounds fake about that bar it'd help alot. I'm confused on what confuses you about it
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Old 07-23-06, 06:13 PM   #8
atti?
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"Stairs expresses my required support"

It just sounds off to me *shrug*

Be cool if you could returnd the favor though,
"Nature was a Hip-Hop Head" ft. Jekyll & D.H. Brixton
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Old 07-23-06, 06:36 PM   #9
L.I.
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Yeah I'll hit it up tonight, no problem.

And about that quote.. Each step down the stairs expresses my required support. With each step down shes going away from her support. And at the bottom its gone..
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Old 07-23-06, 06:39 PM   #10
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It wasn't that I didn't understand it, it was just worded awkwardly.
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