Round 1

10 Line Min.
20 Line Max.
Due: Tuesday, September 2nd.


Topic: Killing Time

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haha this is perfect..good luck to you Deceit...blah blah then blah till im allowed to post this message

-1-

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SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
sacred scriptures record (5-0)

Stricken hours past...
This Iron and Wine will never last....
A hope a prayer steadily waiting closely near.....
You said 5 i figured 6 my veins striend tight as i weaped.....

I share Darkness and a crack in a corner
the rusty gears of morning and the faceless busy phones.
and the shape I meant to make was gone

Your here while im up there watching you fall aside
dead souls ly forever for this same lifes in your eyes
Giving thanks for all the memories and grief for the future time
you weren't late but you still missed me
you made it right on time.......


-1- hope it comes clear...

__________________
SOFT FOCUS crew record (3-0) Wits end ~ DOI ~ Central....now who's next?
sacred scriptures record (5-0)

word....checkin in.....its late so ill have my verse up tomorrow since i just got joined in...will have up by tomorrow

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Packed Up My Gear And Picked Out A Mask
Got Together With My Friends And Discussed Our Upcomming Task
We Decided To Rob The Jewerly Store Right Across The Street
We Set Up 3 Points..That If We Were Ever Caught..Their We Would Meet
We Got Ready And Waited For The Store To Close
Dressed Up Completely So That None Of Our Skin Were Exposed
The Store Had Finally Closed And The Clock Struck 8
We Headed Through The Back Alley Not Knowing What Was Set As Our Fate
We Found The Back Door And Slipped On Our Fake Prints (fingerprints)
Headed To The Door And Broke Off The Tints
Entered Carefully And Disarmed All Alarms
Hopped We Would Make It Out Without Getting Caught And We Held Together Our Charms
We Got The Jewerly And Walked Out Unseen
Picked Up The Tints And Placed Them Back On The Screen
Went Back Home And Spilt The Jewerly Then Everyone Headed To Their Own Places
Relived Look Right Across All Of Our Faces
Were Always Doing This I Guess You Can Call Us The "Masters Of Crime"
Well Thats Just The Shit We Do When Were Bored And Were Killing Time.

Aaaaah, Great job fellas...just greatness.

Deacon~
How the tables have turned!! I'm so used to seeing you as 'Deacon: The Judge' rather than 'Deacon: The Poet'...Ya'Know you're not half bad....Actually, that's an understatement, Let me tell you why.....

:Stricken hours past...
This Iron and Wine will never last....
A hope a prayer steadily waiting closely near.....
You said 5 i figured 6 my veins striend tight as i weaped.....

I liked this opening. Great imagery and scene setting, I was immediately able to create a mental picture in my head, as well as get a sense of the anticipation or eagerness of this somewhat desperate character.

:I share Darkness and a crack in a corner
the rusty gears of morning and the faceless busy phones.
and the shape I meant to make was gone

Nice wording and personification..

:Your here while im up there watching you fall aside
dead souls ly forever for this same lifes in your eyes
Giving thanks for all the memories and grief for the future time
you weren't late but you still missed me
you made it right on time.......

Hmmm..I may not hit this right on the nail, but thats one of the great aspects of poetry, in some cases, people are able to make their own interpretation of a piece so that it is more moving to them personally..And since your style in writing this was sort of oblique rather than really literal, you can only hope that the audience "reads between the lines" to get the exact message you were trying to convey..
Someone has died, I take it, either the speaker in the poem or the person being referred to in it..Maybe not in a physical sense, but more emotionally or psychologically..or maybe just in a physical sense, it's all in how you percieve it I guess..I sort of got the feeling that time has lost its value for the person grieving, for when grieving, time is more a burden than anything else..Or as indicated in the last lines, someone's time was cut short perhaps, or time had overlapping "schedules" for the two which didnt result will for either of them.....And like I said, this may be completely opposite of what you intended to say, but it shows the flexibility of the piece, the openness to many levels of interpretation and analysis..which is, again, one of the best parts of poetry. Now that I've written far too much, I'll just wrap up by saying I really enjoyed reading this, It was moving in its own way, kind of dark in some spots, yet meaningful thru out..Very Nicely written, great symbolism, imagery, and multiple references to time (not just the word but the entire concept). Nice job.
Overall, I give this piece an 8.7.

Purple Haze~

The match ups for this first round have really been great cuz every battle I've read so far has had each opponent coming at the topic from totally different angles..which makes it interesting for me as a judge.
In example, For Deacon's piece you sort of had to dig deep and make the connections yourself..Whereas your piece, Haze, was straight-up, a narrative tone in which you were pretty literal, just telling the story basically, no real hidden meaning (although if you tried hard enough you sure could find symbolism and relations below the surface which i'll get to later). Just a difference in style.
The imagery in this was vivid, put me in the scene but didnt offer too much detail, just enough. I was wondering, while reading, how you would incorporate the topic into a piece such as this one, I actually laughed when I read the last line, just found the nonchalance of the robbery kind of humerous, like robbing jewelers was just like any other hobby (it aint exactly collecting stamps) but I liked how you did that.
And the last line,

:Well Thats Just The Shit We Do When Were Bored And Were Killing Time.

can defend what I said about the making connections despite the directness of the poem..Kinda made me think of stupid kids who do drugs and shit just because they're "bored", not just drugs but a number of destructive things that seem to fill the void better than doing something constructive does..Just to pass the time, just for something to do. This piece portrayed that theme well, You get big points for creativity, this was totally an unexpected aspect of the topic. Nice job.
Overall, I give this piece an 8.1

Since Deacon's verse scored higher by my standards, he will receive my vote, However, both of you did an outstanding job.

VOTE: DEACON

And....I still can't poll vote....................If its of any consolation....100 characters, here I come....

I Am Going TO Have To Agree With DaGyrl..

I Think Purple Haze Lost This One..Deacon Came Short But Sweet..Haze, It Almost Seemed That He Tried To Hard, And Making The Story Is For The Topical League. Deacon's Verse Was Fairly Dope, And Out Worked Haze's Just Merely By The Content..
Haze Used Words Like 'SHIT' and others in his Poem, This Did Not Contribute Well To His Score, because It Took My Mind Off Of The Verse To Wonder Why He Was Cursing. But Yes Overall I Also Think Deacon Took This One.

Vote Deacon