/\/\Intro\/\/
~~your special-to-me, i bet-you-cant-see, what u did when u up-and-left-me~~
Ive been searchin-night-and-day, workin-might-be-gay, but its worth-it-to-find-you-babe//

to find you is a challenge, without you im unbalanced, your part of my talent, tired of bein silent//

never once was violent but i was always there, cared for you and i would braid ya hair//

laid you there, feelin excited, my lines i recited, cause i just couldnt fight-it//

now i need you in my world, your my diamond, your my pearl, when i see you my mind swirls//

you shinebright, your my lime-light, your what im thinkin bout when i rhyme-tight//

your my inspiration, you keep me from disintigratin,instigatin my situation, i see now its cause u loved me and wanted to see what i was facin//

so i took u for granted, my only love on this planet, im not a thug but im jammin//

you took care of me when i was ill, so now i feel, since im ill i will fill that gap//

so still i rap, waitin patient for u to return, cant believe i got burned, obviously i still have shit to learn..

Nice one....I liked it, I felt you all through it...Kinda sad but still good. To me the flow was choppy in parts. Thats just my opinion. But Keep it up, I like it.

peAce beau

I think this would have been a lot better to myself personally had I not previously recently downloaded and listened to Vanilla Ice's song "I Love You". Because I practicly ran the words of your poem in Vanilla Ice's voice to the exact beat and I shuddered. Sorry bro.

Seriously, I'm a dumbass. Red told me so.

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Quote:

Originally posted by Bruklor Nec is just dumb

I'm taking that as a compliment.

This was a pretty good piece i thought, it was a good read as well, it flowed pretty well through out the piece, i was feeling the emotion in this, content was good too, overall it was a good piece, keep up the good work.

Cool Stuff. alil structure work woudlve made this even greater stuff though. what im sayin in a way this seemed rushed, still good stuff though. ya flow was the high lite though. to let ya know ya dont have to connect ya internals in ya verses, we know when they're there when we read em.

peAce

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the one that watches the watchmen:

iight

this was a good piece, but it could have been better, could have expanded on it some i thought, but it was still good as is.

i liked the one/ two line thing it made it a nice read, but you should try to up your vocab some

your emotion was felt, coz you left it shine thou, and its also something ppl can relate to easly

i like how you gave us some sort of "flashbacks" like the braiding your hair thing, it built onto it more, but you could have put some more in there about how it was before to build onto the how much you miss those simple things.

~Tera~
DONT HATE

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thanks for the replies, i guess i should have when into deeper detail on tha story but u get tha point.^^^

overall as a whole it was good, but in parts it was too simple and
in a few parts your words were too big and it didnt match the
rest of it... in the begining it was pretty choppy but then as it
went on it got much better... Keep writing

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<BR><h3><color=black><center><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=left LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 width=300>*~*~*Lady Wun*~*~*</MARQUEE></color></center></h3>
<BR>
<BR><MARQUEE BEHAVIOR=scroll DIRECTION=up LOOP=infinite scrollamount=1 height=100> <center><font color=000000><I>*~*~*~*~*</p>I'm invisible to the unseen eye</p>I'm undeniable strength</p>*~*~*~*~*~*</p>Merk Squad</MARQUEE></center><I>

HIYA DIVERSE ( i really appreciate you replying to my poems)

first off your structure was based more like an open mic or a battle
poems tend to all flow together and seperation of bars is usally used for specific reasons but do what ya feel

your my inspiration, you keep me from disintigratin,instigatin my situation, i see now its cause u loved me and wanted to see what i was facin//
^
^
loved that your lobngest and most vivid ...when in love its so true ( often) that you want to feel what the other person is feeling and you want to be in that mess wit em
you did a very nice job here diverse